SEX: Blogtown, PDX, Portland Mercury

SL Letter of the Day: Let Me Think...

Dan Savage — Wed, 19 Jun 2013 10:29:00 -0700

I am a bisexual woman in my early 30s and am currently in a monogamous relationship with a wonderful woman with whom I am living together. I love her very much and although we have been dating for less than a year, I am pretty convinced that I want to be married to her.

Our sex life is great—quite vanilla (especially compared to the kind of letters you receive) but nonetheless, deeply satisfying. However, there is one problem: sometimes when I am on the edge of getting an orgasm, I think of gay men having sex. Specifically, I think of myself as a gay man f*cking another guy in the ass. And that, without fail, will make me come. I have never thought of myself as a man or have any intentions to be one. I also have no desire to sleep with anyone but her. I recall you mentioned before that we are all free to think of what we like when having sex, but this is really bothering me. Am I cheating on my partner by thinking of something/someone else, other than her, when I am getting laid by her?

Gay Sex Is Hot

My response after the jump...

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Nope.

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This Week in Sex

Rose Finn — Wed, 19 Jun 2013 10:14:00 -0700

In greedy douchebag news, a Christian school in Nebraska is not only expelling a student for being in a lesbian relationship mere months away from her graduation, but is now also charging her the $6,000 tuition that was due the semester she was expelled. Before being slapped with a bill, Grace University made Danielle Powell see Christian mentors, engage with spiritual advisers, and promise not to engage in sex. Powell was not aware that the people running her school were virgin Dungeons and Dragon masters that still lived with their mothers and needed more money to buy lube and light sabers.

Porn star “Stoya Fleshlight” talked to Huff Post this week about how she’s “ruined porn for her dad.” Now when he goes online to whack off to porn, it’s nearly inevitable that he’ll run into some pop-up ad of a sex toy modeled after his daughter’s vagina. This, apparently, also applies the other way around; any time Stoya is acting in a porn scene, she is vividly reminded of the months of neglect her father used to bestow upon her.

The house judiciary committee has advanced a bill this week that would outlaw abortion after 20 weeks of pregnancy. When one Democrat asked how the policy would apply with instances of rape, GOP Arizona representative Trent Franks said occurrences of pregnancy from rape were “actually very low.” “I’ll show you ‘low,’” said millions of American women, readying their fists.

Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines” has quickly become the number one song in the country, and its music video has been sparking all kinds of controversy. The video consists of Robin Thicke’s beady little eyes staring at us, wearing a full suit (alongside T.I. and Pharrell) while models prance around appearing nude, like a bunch of anorexic babies. Meanwhile, balloons float through the music video at one point, saying, “Robin Thicke has a big dick.” “Oy vey, he wishes,” sighed Robin Thicke’s mother.

George Boak, a spiritual healer in the UK, has been charged with sexually abusing two women, with a third accusing him of the same charge during his trial. George Boak was known to heal physical pain, but in the instances of sexual abuse, he asked the women to take off their clothes, and touched them inappropriately. When one victim asked what he was doing, he reportedly responded, “sorry, I got carried away.” Incidentally, Boak has also “gotten carried away” with his hand, his Starbucks barista, his grade 8 math teacher, and one particularly uncomfortable instance with his single-speed Schwinn bicycle.

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SL Letter of the Day: The Tell-Tale Handjob

Dan Savage — Tue, 18 Jun 2013 10:29:36 -0700

My wife of 10 years and I have a great relationship. We make each other laugh, love to go out together when work/parenting schedules allow and have a fun sex life which includes experimentation and fantasy. While we've talked in the past about swinging and threesomes, one of the fantasy subjects recently coming up, at my choosing, has been her being with another man alone. I've been encouraging her to tell me if she ever gets attention from another man and we've talked about when things have turned her on in the past. I've always been careful to let her know that she can feel comfortable telling me these things and not throw them up in her face afterwards.

A few weeks back while fooling around she told me that shortly after we were married, and prior to my bringing up her alone with another man, that she had grabbed her trainer's dick once for a split second and pretended it was an accident. She said he was very flirtatious and "hands-on" while showing which muscle groups were being worked and she just got hot and grabbed him. I was turned on and, surprisingly, not that bothered by it.

This past weekend during sex I told her that had really turned me on. She then haltingly revealed to me that she had not only grabbed him that time, but jerked him off over his shorts for five minutes or so until he came. While I was incredibly turned on while this was going on, I felt sick afterwards. I haven't said anything to her about it since that night but I feel betrayed and cheated on, and that she stepped way over the line. I love this woman and trusted her deeply, but this has really shaken me.

How Do I Make Sense Of This?

My response after the jump...

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You can be sick about this (hopefully) isolated handjob, HDIMSOT, or you can backdate your okay to mess around with another man to cover this handjob. Choose the former and you may wreck your marriage, choose the latter—even if you have to will yourself to choose it, even if you have to fake it until you feel it—and you may save your marriage.

I'd pick the latter if I were you.

Seeing as you drew you wife out on the topic of messing around with another man, and seeing as you gave her nothing but positive feedback before, during, and after the revelation that she had previously—just that one time—kindasorta messed around with another man, your wife is likely feel violated if you turn around now and tell her that you're upset that handjob. Because if your wife is a halfway decent person, HDIMSOT, she probably spent the last decade feeling guilty about that impulsive handjob. Then you started fantasizing about her messing around with another man and suddenly she safe disclosing that long-ago-and-oh-so-far-away handjob. And hearing about it got you off! If you turn around now and tell her that the revelation made you feel sick—but only after you blew your load—she's going to feel like you tricked her into revealing something she had successfully stuffed down the memory hole a decade ago.

Grant her retroactive permission, HDIMSOT, but open up to her about your complicated, post-orgasmic feelings about that one handjob. They may be a sign that her actually messing around with another man is a bad idea. Fine as a fantasy, not something you can handle in real life. And if she has messed around with another man already—or if things went even farther with her personal trainer than she's let on—she needs to know to leave those experiences in the memory hole.

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SLLOTD: Campus Drama

Dan Savage — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 10:29:39 -0700

Dan Savage is on a book tour, so please enjoy this Savage Love letter from our archives. And buy his new book, American Savage: Insights, Slights, and Fights on Faith, Sex, Love, and Politics! This letter was originally published Dec 1, 2005:

My boyfriend, Jason, is having problems with a boy named Roger who is obsessed with him. But because Roger is friends with Jason and Jason's friends, Jason won't just tell him off. Roger had the audacity to call Jason today and ask about our sex life. Roger is not only making Jason's life hell, but he is also making their shared friends' lives hell. On top of it all, Roger called Jason's ex, Cody, and told him about me. Cody is a very sweet boy and does not need Roger making him feel like shit because Jason is dating someone new.

I don't want to get in the middle of this. I just want to know if you have any ideas I can relay to Jason as to what to do about Roger?

Really Mean Friend

My response after the jump...

Ah, college drama.

Your letter really took me back, RMF. When I was a freshman in college and dating Ricky, a sophomore, I was also fucking Randy, a senior, at the same time. Randy knew about Ricky, but Ricky didn't know about Randy. Are you with me? The fact that Randy had another boyfriend, a grad student also named Ricky, didn't really bother me because I was cheating too, you know? So everything was cool and I was getting laid like crazy. But then my Ricky found out about Randy and Randy's Ricky found out about me and we were all convinced that the world was coming to an end. But we were wrong. The sun kept coming up, RMF, and we quickly realized that we were just a bunch of silly faggots with too much time on our hands and too much cock in our mouths.

Which brings me to you and Jason and Roger and Cody.

Your desire to make Roger the villain in this little drama is understandable. You're dating Jason, and you don't want to think ill of him. But Jason is the problem here, RMF, not Roger. While Roger sounds like a deluded asshole, it's Jason's reluctance to tell Roger to fuck off that's keeping this drama alive. Roger is creepy and obsessed and he makes Jason's current boyfriend and ex-boyfriend uncomfortable—so why exactly does Jason maintain a friendship with Roger? Because Jason enjoys being the lead in the Jason/RMF/Roger/Cody show, just as I enjoyed being the lead of the Danny/Ricky/Ricky/Randy show. Just the fact that you wrote this letter, not Jason, speaks volumes.

So what do you do? You let Jason know that he needs to tell Roger to fuck off or you're through. And if you're looking for someone to date, well, Cody sounds like a sweetheart.

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SLLOTD: Blessed be the Ties that Bind

Dan Savage — Thu, 13 Jun 2013 10:29:00 -0700

My girlfriend, 22 and Christian, likes to be tied up. She's into anime-style Japanese bondage porn and she wants me to do that incredibly complicated rope bondage. I've looked at some pictures—she has thousands of them that she's been downloading and saving on her computer since she was a teenager—but I can't make it happen. I'm the first boy she's ever told about her fetish and I don't want to disappoint her. Where does a nice boy like me go to learn how to truss up a nice girl like her in the style of Japanese bondage porn?

Blessed Be The Ties That Bind

My response after the jump...

"Rope bondage is a great way to create a sensual connection with your partner," says Monk, the brains behind www.twistedmonk.com, which sells high-quality, multi-colored hemp rope to bondage enthusiasts. "It does, however, take time and practice."

The first thing Monk wants you and your girlfriend to bear in mind is that a lot of the bondage in Japanese anime isn't practical—not even the bondage shown in actual photos of actual tied-up people. "They intricately tie a woman up," says Monk, "hoist her in the air for the few minutes it takes to snap the photo, and then immediately bring her down and out of the rope."

Your first assignment from Monk isn't a bondage session but a bondage conversation. "Ask your girlfriend what about being tied up turns her crank," says Monk. "Is it the act of being restrained? The sense of helplessness? Or is she getting high from the endorphins produced by stressful rope?" Once you have a better idea what she's after, "get your hands on some practical instruction. Midori's The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage is always a great place to start. Also, if you live in the Pacific Northwest, check out the monthly bondage classes taught by Max at bondagelessons.com."

And get some decent rope! "That coil from Home Depot is just not going to cut it," says Monk. "It won't hold knots as well, it will burn her skin if it's used incorrectly, and it's generally harder to work with than Whitney Houston at an NA meeting. Hemp rope, on the other hand, when properly treated, holds knots well and is strong yet soft. Hemp rope is the traditional rope used in Asian bondage and most rope sluts will agree that it feels the best against exposed skin."

Hey, did I mention that Monk sells hemp rope? He does: www.twistedmonk.com.

Finally, Monk suggests you set aside some time for low-stakes practice sessions. "Try some stuff out when you're not emotionally invested in the outcome of the bondage," said Monk. "Start small, experiment, have her give you feedback as to how it feels… Where does it hurt? Is this a good thing or a bad thing for her? Practice will allow you to feel more confident doing this in the heat of actual play."

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This Week in Sex

Rose Finn — Wed, 12 Jun 2013 11:29:08 -0700

After years of fighting with the court system and religious conservatives, Plan B will finally be available to all ages without a prescription. Now that they can market to a wider and younger demographic, Teva Pharmeceuticals is considering a rebranding to call it: "Mama's Little Time Machine," "Baby-B-Gone," or "Whoops, I Did It Again!"

South Korean president Park Geun-Hye apologized this week for her now former spokesman groping a 21-year-old Korean American while they were on tour in the US. Though the former spokesman and master groper Yoon Chang-jung did make a public apology, he insisted that he was not guilty, stating that his grabbing her buttocks was a “cultural difference.” Apparently in South Korea, shaking one's buttock means "much obliged," whereas a handshake means "let's fuck."

Three Iowa religious scholars wrote an op-ed to their local paper this week, reminding everyone that nowhere in the Bible is marriage defined by “one man and one woman.” However, there ARE passages that mention “self-induced castration and celibacy." This also incidentally explains why Michele and Marcus Bachmann haven't had sex in months.

Last Week in Sex, we twaddled about former Glee star Charice Pompengco coming out as a lesbian. This week in sex, her mother Raquel Pompengco told the news network “Bandila” that SHE'S the lesbian. “"I'm the lesbian — until my mom sent me off to my husband and [Charice's] father. I told Charice this before, I told her that I experienced what it's like, too. But then I changed." To settle the dispute, they will enter a new reality TV contest “Want to Be on Top?,” an elimination-based contest to see who’s really the lesbian. They will compete alongside Amanda Bynes, Missy Elliott, Hannah Montana, and Peppermint Patty.

If you've ever thought to yourself while staring at the "sexual enhancers" in the 7 Eleven checkout line, "Yikes, those can't be good for you," then you were right! The FDA warned the public this week that the products Reload, Get It Up, Super Cheetah, Cave Diver, Nights to Remember and X Zen Platinum are all tainted. "Sildenafil and tadalafil," prescription drugs found in Viagra and Cialis, were found in all six products, and can cause dangerously low blood pressure, as well as many other negative side effects. Little did they know that "Super Cheetah" is known for giving men red spots all over their skin, and "Nights to Remember" refers to its likelihood of rampant diarrhea.

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SL Letter of the Day: Not Bad Work for a Biphobic, Transphobic, Polyphobic Asshole

Dan Savage — Wed, 12 Jun 2013 10:29:08 -0700

I am a 30-year-old queer trans man. (Three months into transitioning.) For the longest time, I thought I was a horrible person. I couldn't be in a relationship without cheating, or going from person to person because I always wanted something new. I met my wife when I was a lesbian and fell head over heels. We were together for two years and then had a kid. Two months into the pregnancy the sex stopped and we had sex four times in two years. I dealt with it as best I could. Then I started T three months ago and my sex drive tripled.

This is not a question. This is a sincere thank you. About a year into our relationship, we found your podcast. We both fell in love with it and listened with open ears. It helped me with so many things like realizing I like men also, understanding bisexuality, not judging poly, and so many other things. You have saved me, Dan, you have saved my marriage. From listening to hundreds of your shows, we were able to talk to each other realistically about how we felt and we realized that we both are the kind of people who jump from relationship to relationship because we need new. And yet we still want to be together and own a home and raise our child. Before you, I fell into the bullshit idea that I had to live the stereotypical life. And it terrified me to think that my sex life was over and yet I couldn't face losing the love of my life. Now, we have negotiated an open relationship and we feel great about it.

Thank you, Dan, you made me realize I can be me and be married. You saved me in more ways than you will ever know.

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SL Letters of the Day: Cuckolding—Good, Bad, Good, Great

Dan Savage — Tue, 11 Jun 2013 10:29:31 -0700

Last week we heard from EFFED, a woman who was unhappy about her husband's cuckold fantasies, which she didn't want to fulfill (or hear about anymore). We also heard from AC, a man whose wife also wasn't thrilled by his fantasies but who was willing to indulge him through dirty talk. Today we hear from four women with some experience with cuckolds and cuckolding...

My guy—we are long-time partners—is VERY into cuckolding fantasies and he was the original fantasy spinner but now I spin them too. It is wonderful. I never thought of myself as beautiful (I'm the librarian-spinster type) but he gets so turned on that I wind up feeling so desired that I get very turned on, and we both enjoy the hell out of it. Totally hot.

It helps (and this may help your readers) that when we started this was more of a "role play" thing around one of his high school teachers. (He was young, she was apparently quite beautiful, but the librarian-spinster type—see how this goes?) He called me by her name ("Miss Lily"), and since he's from the South, we even did accents. It was all clearly fantasy and that made it easier for me to try it on. It was a game; the fantasy element was so prominent, and so emotionally distancing, that I felt perfectly safe. And he was so grateful and loving that... well, it soon became clear where my own happiness lay.

I don't think we'd ever try it on in real life. Our careers—law and medicine—make that too risky, BUT it is waywayway awesome, ATKS, and we have the best sex life I can imagine: fun, hot, loving, intimate. Miss Lily seems to have disappeared but in our fantasy world I've had sex with an entire football team, yard crews, and fishing clubs. My man adores me and can't show his gratitude enough and I get great sex, and lots of it. Just sign me...

Happy Old Teacher

P.S. BTW, Dan, your column was a big help in my coming to embrace this. Thank you so much!!!

Three more after the jump...

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I held out three years before giving in to the cuckolding fantasies of my partner. Over the next two years I lost my relationship, my home, and sense of self. It took me the better part of a year to get my head where in should have been all along. I wanted to write to EFFED because I felt I should share this with her. It works for some, God love 'em, but it just wasn't for me personally. Good luck with your decision making, EFFED, and just remember: If you are not comfortable with it, DON'T DO IT!—Old and Wiser

I suspect you will likely have had your fill of the topic by now, but I thought I would share my experience anyway: My husband is a cuckold—he craves everything about it. And like everything else in life, our experience is very different from everyone else's. Even his reasons for needing it are different than most.
I have to admit right up front that even he doesn't fully understand why he needs it. (Although there are some patently obvious childhood issues, Dan, as well as classic daily life stuff: he has a job where he controls a lot of people and has high stress.) Even if he did know what this was about exactly I don't think he would be able to share that with me—it would ruin the mystery or something. But what I do know is that he has a deep need to be humiliated and emasculated. It's his biggest turn-on. I really don't think his cuckolding has much to do with me at all, it's much more about him.

We have been married for eight years, together for four before that, and in that time I have been with six or seven other men and one woman. Sometimes I play alone and sometimes he is there. He likes different games—either the man needs to think I am cheating on him, or he has to service us while I cheat on him and he is treated appropriately, as a pathetic cuckold should be. Sucking the man's cock to get it hard for me and helping to insert it inside me are particular humiliation favorites of his. (We are both open to sexual experiences on both sides of the fence. Categorize us how you will.)

I sometimes enjoy the game, sometimes not. When I don't, I just don't play. (Plus there are safety concerns for me, which often put the brakes on in my mind—this isn't the 60s, I don't want to catch anything and people are freaks.) But I love him and want him to be happy, so I talk dirty to him and tell him all the things I will do with another man while he fucks me so he can enjoy it even more. The sluttier I am the better—both with him and with other men. The more I degrade him, the better. The bigger slut I am, the more it turns him on and emasculates him at the same time. Weird, fun and so messed up—but so what?

There have been miscommunications. We have learned to discuss things in detail, but it still doesn't always turn out the way one of us thought it would and can create friction. But we work it out. There have been missed opportunities when we could have had a truly hot night but his false assumptions or my unspoken wishes have screwed that up. So we discuss it when things cool down and work toward a better experience next time.

We also have vanilla sex, we indulge my kinky stuff (whole different ball of wax), and enjoy lots of other stuff. In general we give each other what we want and try to be as GGG as possible. But sometimes I wish the cuckolding thing was not a part of our lives—it can get tedious. It can also be fun. I have had the opportunity to be really slutty after marriage not just his permission, but pretty much at his insistence. That can be interesting and liberating. I was not exactly a nun before we met, so turning that off was not something I found a simple task. This provides an outlet for both of us.

Anyway, Dan, there's a perspective from a cuckold-participating wife's point of view. If you are the least bit interested.—Slutty Wife

You pretty summed up my experience with cuckolding in your response to EFFED, Dan. My husband wanted to try it, I didn't want to sleep with anyone else. We compromised on dirty talk—years of dirty talk—and then one day I decided I wanted to try it after all. (I decided I wanted to try it the same day my personal trainer made a pass at me. How's that for a suburban cliché!) I asked my husband for his okay and got it. It freaked my personal trainer out when I told him my husband knew what I was doing. But he had heard of cuckolding—probably from reading of your column—and we had a wonderful six-month affair. And now I regret waiting so long to jump in. My husband honestly isn't interested in sleeping with anyone besides me (my initial fear) and every once in while I get to sleep with someone else. It livens things up at home, that's for sure.

One piece of advice for other women out there with cuckold fetishist husbands: My husband was so excited after I did it that first time that he was really pressuring me to do it again. My husband was more upset when my personal trainer moved on than I was. (New girlfriend for him, no more "private core training" for me!) My cuckold hubby started pestering me to find someone else after my affair with the personal trainer ended. That was a huge turnoff. I told him that I wouldn't do it again at all if he continued to bother me about it. Worked like a charm. We still do dirty talk about me cheating, but no more pressure to actually cheat. Cheating on him when I want to? That I can do. Cheating on him to get him off my back? Big turnoff.—Lady Be Bad

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SL Letter of the Day: The Grateful Cuckold

Dan Savage — Mon, 10 Jun 2013 10:29:10 -0700

I read with some empathy the letter from EFFED in this week's column. She who wrote that her husband’s cuckold fantasies are crushing her self-esteem. You replied that her husband’s cuckolding fantasies don’t mean he finds her unattractive—they mean the exact opposite. In case EFFED has any doubts about your interpretation, I can concur. I happen to be intensely turned on by cuckolding fantasies about my wife of 26 years. At the same time, I could not be more in love with her, and she is the absolute epitome of what I find attractive. The idea of being deeply in love with one’s wife yet intensely aroused by thoughts of her with other men seems paradoxical. This can be confusing for the subject of the fantasies, since most women are taught to associate true love with a desire for exclusivity. After much introspection in my own case, I’ve come to believe that the cuckolding fetish is fueled by two main factors.

1. A deep seated, perhaps even subconscious fear of losing one’s wife, and...

2. An honest belief that one’s wife is amazingly desirable.

The former explains the intensity of the feelings involved, and the latter ties in to a male’s desire for status. We cuckolds believe our wives are so gorgeous, we want other men to know what we’ve got. It’s like owning a Lamborghini. You can’t show it off by keeping it under a cover. If you want another man to feel envious, let him sit in the fine leather seats, step on the gas, and feel what it’s like to drive.

Another Cuckold

My response—and AC's response to my response and my response to his—after the jump...

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Does your wife actually cuckold you, AC? How did she react when you rolled this fantasy out?—Dan

My wife is not at all interested in any type of extramarital activities. She well is aware of my fantasies, however, and indulges me (somewhat reluctantly) verbally. It’s been too long for me to remember her exact first reactions, but like I wrote earlier, I’m sure she must have questioned how I could love her if I wanted other men to have sex with her. Women might also worry that such fantasies are a prelude to the man wanting extramarital sex. The status quo we’ve arrived at is that she is resigned to participating in verbal fantasizing with me, although it becomes wearying for her if I concentrate on this too much. If I were to seriously pressure her to have sex with someone else, it would upset her to the extent that I would have to back off or risk ruining our marriage. Thanks for writing back, and thanks for your work.—AC

A few more questions, AC, if that's okay. Do you make a conscious effort not to "go there" too much? Out of consideration for your wife's feelings do you only indulge verbally on occasion? And are you grateful for the distance she's willing to go or are you frustrated that you won't ever realize your fantasies in real life?—Dan

As for my wife’s feelings, it’s a bit of a tightrope walk. I do tend to push her boundaries, but I’m careful not to push too far. I indulge fairly frequently, since it happens to be the thing that most reliably gets me off. I do make an effort on occasion to climax through other types of stimulation, but this can also be trying for her because it may take a long time. Am I grateful? Absolutely! When she is of a mind to indulge me without reservation it makes me feel both physically pleasured and loved. I also feel tinges of guilt that the situation is rather one-sided. I would love nothing more than to indulge her fantasies in return. I feel like I would do anything for her, but she has never admitted to any sort of unsatisfied kinks or desires; her own tastes are quite "vanilla."

Am I frustrated that I can’t experience this in real life? Not really. There are so many things about my wife that I’m grateful for, I’m not walking around pouting over an unfulfilled desire that by most standards is outrageous anyway. I’m also aware of the possibility that actualizing these fantasies could have emotion results that were unexpected. Ultimately there are all sorts of activities I can imagine that would be highly arousing to me but are off-limits for some reason, and that’s probably a good thing. The world is not going to be a better place if people like me just give in to debauchery.—AC

Not sure I entirely agree with you there, AC. The world isn't harmed when people like you can give in to debauchery—so long as your partners are willing, and you debauch safely and everyone's feelings and needs are taken into consideration. And a few more questions...

Husband is into cuckolding, wife isn't, but wife is willing to indulge a bit during dirty talk—there are a lot of couples out there taking just this approach to handling a husband's cuckolding fantasies. But when does the dirty talk go to far? Does the wife always feel like she is being subjected an extended psy-ops campaign here? Does the wife ultimately feel pressured to do this for the husband one day? How does your wife feel about it, about you, and about its place in your sex life? I'd like to run your letter as the SLLOTD. Would your wife be willing to write me a companion letter to run along side it?—Dan

I really don’t know if my wife would want to write a companion letter. I’m not even sure if it would upset her to see what I’ve written. She’s not here at the moment so I can’t ask at this time. As for the very good questions you raise, I think I know the answer to some of them.

When does the dirty talk go too far? When the emotional hurt it inflicts on the wife outweighs any pleasure it provides the husband. A (non-sadist) husband who truly loves his wife does not want to drive her to tears to achieve his own orgasm. It would ruin the pleasure and make him feel like a selfish jerk.

Does the wife always feel like she is being pressured to do this one day? That would depend on the couple and how hard the husband is actually pushing. In my own case, I do not push for actualization.

How does my wife feel about it? No doubt she would be happier if I were turned on by something less onerous to her, or if I would at least keep my cuckolding thoughts to myself. Like any couple, I’m sure she would prefer us to have desires that are always mutual. How does it make her feel about me? Well, it’s not the way she would prefer me to be, but she hasn’t dumped me over it. Perhaps it helps that I often express how much I love, desire, and appreciate her.—AC

That concludes my email exchange with AC. And now a quick note to my readers...

I'm sure some of you are ready to jump down AC's throat for comparing his wife to a Lamborghini. He's literally objectifying his wife! He's compared her to a car, a thing he owns, a material possession! Yes, yes. He did do that. But he also clearly loves his wife and sees her as as person too. He sees her as her own person; he sees her as a person with feelings, needs, and desires of her own and he seems pretty thoughtful and considerate about his wife's feelings, needs, and desires. So he gets a pass on the objectification thing here. Because to be objectified—sexually—is only dehumanizing when someone sees you as nothing but an object. Yes, AC sees his wife as an object on some level. And you know what? She is an object on some level. We are all objects on some level. And each one of us wants to be wanted not just for the person we are, dear readers, but also for the object that we are.

So I don't think the Lamborghini analogy is disrespectful—not when considered in the full context of AC's other remarks about his wife.

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My Least Favorite Piece of Misogyny This Week: Damsels & Dragons Edition

Barbara Holm — Fri, 07 Jun 2013 13:59:00 -0700

I was at a bar the other day, splitting a plate of mac and cheese with a girlfriend, because feelings taste better when consumed together. And this suitor approached us, slightly too passionate on the liqueur, and hugged my friend. When he embraced her, she just kept her arms at her side and looked down. Then he lifted his large grown-up man arms and stepped toward me.

"Stop," I said, putting my hands out like an elementary-school crosswalk monitor. "You are not allowed to hug me. I am asserting my physical and emotional boundary. You do not have my consent to touch me."

"Why do you have to be such a bitch about it? I like you."

I am so sick of "nice sweet guys" angrily screaming "WHY WON'T YOU FUCK ME!" My least favorite piece of misogyny this week is when men get mad at women for not being attracted to them.

Recently a guy asked me out several times. I tried to be polite and subtly, gently rebuff his advances, and his response was to pressure me and become increasingly aggressive in his attempts to get me to hang out with him. And weirdly, that did not make me fall in love with him! He tried to guilt me into dating him with phrases like, "I thought you were glad to have met me, it doesn't seem like it." Jeez, now I feel like a horrible person. Too bad I don't hate myself quite enough to sleep with you. The aggressive pressure made me feel guilty, ashamed, and scared, like a thing without agency, an inanimate possession to be obtained. And none of those things are things I want to feel. Mostly I just want to feel puppies' tummies. Too weird?

One time a guy asked me out several times and then got drunk and called me at 2 am and to ask me to come over; I expect not to play checkers. I said no and he called me a slut. When I asked him to stop contacting me he said, "I hope one day you like yourself enough to date someone who actually cares about you." And I said, "Yeah, then you really won't have a chance."

We, as women, are not obligated to date every guy that wants us. We're not damsels that society raised to exist solely as a reward for every swashbuckling, sword-obsessed prince dumb enough to fight a dragon. (Sorry if I confused you with my super awesome Rapunzel hair, but nope.) I hate the sense of entitlement that some (not all) straight men have. I hate when men are like "Women won't date me, they're bitches." Because I didn't realize that being a good person was dependent on whether or not we put out. But I guess that explains why Mother Theresa was such a player.

Women are not mean if we do not want to date someone. We do not owe anyone our bodies or our emotions. I'm not mean; I just might not like you. That has been my least favorite piece of misogyny this week; tune in next week to find out which popular Hollywood celebrity drank armpit juice to keep their supple figure.

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A Perfect Weekend for HUMPing!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Fri, 07 Jun 2013 11:14:05 -0700

Tomorrow night is the World Naked Bike Ride—and while the idea of you shooting your HUMP! film in the midst of 10,000 nude people might sound terrific initially... I don't know... I JUST DON'T THINK IT'S IN THE SPIRIT OF THE EVENT. However, maybe I'm full of crap. Maybe it's the best idea EVER! (No, seriously, it's not.)

Regardless, you're hot, you're horny and this weekend will signal perfect weather to shoot your quickie 5-minute film for the HUMP! amateur dirty movie festival! Check out the deets and BIG PRIZES below!

More HUMPy info here!

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SL Letter of the Day: I'm Gay and Being Bullied By My Hyper-Religious Parents—What Do I Do?

Dan Savage — Fri, 07 Jun 2013 10:29:41 -0700

I am a 16-year-old boy who was recently forced out of the closet. My mother asked me if I saw a future with a woman, I did not respond because I did not want to lie anymore, and I have regretted my silence ever since. My family is a strict Catholic and Republican household. I am the youngest of five nearly perfect siblings and I attend a all-male boarding school. So when my mother found out that I "might" be gay, we immediately had a conversation. She let me know that she and my father will always love me and never give up on me, but that they will never accept this. She kept asking me, "How do you know? You have never been with a girl. Maybe you're confused." And I agreed that I am confused. (Even though I'm pretty sure that I am not.) I said anything and everything to make the conversation stop.

All this happened back in April and now I am home from school and have found out that she told my dad. They are spinning this from a completely religious point of view and have been giving me lots of "Catholic Boy Guilt." But part of the problem is that I am still saying that I am confused and not ready to talk about anything FOR A WHILE. After the conversation with my Dad putting the religious spin on the situation, I am definitely confused. My whole life I have always worked to please my parents and I never want to disappoint them, but I cannot deny the sexual attractions I have towards men. Also in the conversation including my dad, my mom seriously thinks that the devil is inside me and tempting me. (It was extremely hard to keep a straight face and not laugh.) My parents are extremely stubborn but I know that they come from a kind-hearted place. They just have views that disapprove of me and how I want to live my life. I told my parents that this is not a choice, my mother said that it is a choice to act upon my feelings. My dad thinks that it is easier to hook up with men than women, and that I want to take the easier route.

I am still religious, not hardcore or anything. I pray, believe in God and Jesus, and I do believe that there are mistakes in the Old Testament. God did not write it and humans do make mistakes. I know that to move on from the situation, I need to confirm to my parents that I am gay and am not changing. But the situation is extremely awkward. How am I supposed to tell my parents that I basically want a dick in my mouth? I am still just a 16-year-old kid and I have to live with and be dependent on my parents. I don't want to throw the situation in their faces constantly and end up alienating them, but they (especially my mom) are constantly telling me to pray and soon they will alienate me. I have no one to talk to. My parents and I have agreed not to tell anyone, but I am thinking that I may need therapy. I may need someone outside the situation without the religious element involved, to talk to.

I just don't know how to defend myself. I have no one to talk to. I honestly just don't want to be in this life. I don't want to disappoint my parents. But I need my happiness. Please tell me what I should say and how I could make the situation better.

Me

P.S. Please respond, at least with an email back to me. I need someone to talk to. I have no one and I am about to go insane. I am sad all the time but I have to hide it.

My response after the jump...

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I shared your letter—your absolutely heartbreaking letter—with Aaron Hartzler. He's the author of the new memoir Rapture Practice, which is about his experiences growing up gay and closeted in a hyper-religious, hyper-conservative family. Here's Aaron...

Dear Me,
First of all, congrats for being honest with your Mom when she asked. That was a courageous decision. I know you say you’ve regretted it since, but part of growing up is finding your voice, and learning to stand up for what you know is your truth. So, good job. Self esteem is built by doing estimable acts, and one of the most important ones is being honest—to others, yes, but especially to yourself.

On that front, it sounds like the only people who are confused here are your Mom and Dad. From what you’ve written in this letter, you’re pretty clear on the subject. You’re gay, and you’re ready to “confirm to them” that you are “not changing.”

The God issue is tricky. I am the oldest of five from a strict, born again Christian family, and have learned from experience that there is no way to argue logic with a rigid religious belief system. Through trial and error, I figured out that some well-placed boundaries were necessary.

I would encourage you not to engage in a conversation about this if it feels unsafe—and I’m not only talking physically unsafe. (Seems like your parents are fairly loving and aren’t batting you around with their hands and feet.) I’m also talking about emotionally or psychologically unsafe. This means anytime they start saying things that are aimed at drawing you into a discussion which shames your for being gay, or calls your feelings into question—when your Dad starts in with the God guilt, or your Mom goes on about Satan—it is perfectly okay for you to say the following: “Mom/Dad, I love you, but I don’t want to talk about this right now.”

If they insist on continuing to talk to you about it, it’s just fine to repeat that statement as many times as it takes until they get the message. This is about putting up a boundary to protect yourself from their fear and harmful dogma at a time when they are caught up in their own emotions, and asking questions or spouting comments that don’t take your feelings into account.

If they continue to press you to talk about it, tell them that you’re happy to do so in the presence of a licensed, non-religious, gay-friendly family counselor. (You can go to the Psychology Today website, type in your ZIP code, and click “Gay Issues” on the left hand side for a list of qualified professionals in your area.) You could also suggest that your Mom and Dad come to a PFLAG meeting with you. Another great resource you can recommend is Betty Fairchild’s book Now That You Know.

The bottom line here is that you don’t have to face your parents’ initial freak-out on your own. It sounds like you understand that your parents love you, and it’s good of you to acknowledge that, but you don’t have to be a punching bag for their emotions for the next two years.

For right now, it sucks, and I totally get it. To that end, here are some resources for YOU so that YOU have some people to talk to as you make your way through this:

1. My lesbian author friend, Malinda Lo just did a great post on her blog about how to come out to your parents. You’ve already done the lion’s share of this, but check out the links at the end for sure.

2. The Trevor Project. Anytime, day or night, 24/7, if you’re feeling down about this whole coming out process, you can pick up the phone and dial the Trevor Helpline at 866-488-7386. They’ve got trained staff members who can offer some advice, or just listen, and it’s all free. Also, if you’d rather IM you can also use Trevor Chat from 3-9pm EST (noon-6 PST.)

3. Trevor Space. This is a private social networking site run by the Trevor Project for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth ages 13 through 24 and their friends and allies. You can meet teens your own age to talk to about what’s going on.

4. GLSEN. Not sure what things look like when you get back to school, but a Gay/Straight Alliance might be a great place to go. If there isn’t one at your school, GLSEN can help you get one going.

Finally, understand that you may not be able to make the situation better right away. Your Mom and Dad may need some time, and even then, they may never come around in the way that you hope they will. (Mine still haven’t. I get a lot of “we’re praying for you.”) However, that doesn’t mean that you won’t be happy, or survive.
At this moment, I know that the debate seems endless. I get it. It was the same way for me. As somebody who has come through it, know this: You will get to college. You will find people who love and support you for who you are... even if your parents never do. It does get better—not necessarily because your parents change, but because you do by becoming less dependent on their approval.

Aaron

I'm going to turn this over to my readers now, M, who are sure to have tons of great advice for you. (Just like they had tons of great advice last February for a teenage lesbian whose parents weren't being supportive.) I'm going to write an email to you as well and I'll send it to you privately.

But I want you and anyone out there struggling with the same issues to know that there people out here rooting for you. And if your parents are in the mood to read—if they're open to looking at Now That You Know or going to a PFLAG meeting—you might want to share this link with them. And this one too. Because what your parents are doing to you isn't just unkind, unloving, and unchristian, M, it's dangerous. Straight parents can't make gay kids into a straight kids but they can push gay kids to suicide. Your parents need to wake up and smell the despair they're inducing in you.

I wish my mother was still alive, M, because then I could have my mother call your mother for a little Catholic-mom-to-Catholic-mom conversation. My mom passed away a few years ago, sadly, so I can't unleash her on your mom. But I know what my mother would say to your mom because I heard her say it to other moms who were treating their gay kids they way your mom (and dad) are treating you. Take it away, Judy Savage...

"If you want to destroy your relationship with your son, if you want your son to drop out of school, if you want your son to run away from home, if you want your son addicted to drugs and abusing alcohol and living on the streets and engaging in survival prostitution by this time next year, if you want your son to commit suicide, then you just keep doing what you're doing. Because if that's what you want, lady, you're doing everything right."

God, I miss my mother.

Finally, M, if things are truly terrible and your parents won't take "I don’t want to talk about this right now" for an answer—if your parents continue to bully you emotionally and spiritually—you can always tell them what they wanna hear. You can lie to them. You can tell them you're straight if that's what it takes to get them off your back. I promise you, M, that no one Gayland will think less of you for your lying to your parents under duress when you were a vulnerable teenager.

Hang in there, kiddo. And keep checking back here for advice from my readers.

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Devout Group Sex

Dan Savage — Thu, 06 Jun 2013 13:14:01 -0700

Most people will tell you that all open and/or monogamish relationships are doomed to failure because all the couples they know who were in open relationships—even couples that had just one threeway—wound up getting divorced or breaking up. But here's the thing: almost everyone knows at least one couple in a successful open and/or monogamish relationship but they don't know they know them. That's because most couples in successful open and/or monogamish relationships—particularly the straight ones—aren't out about the fact that their relationships are open and/or monogamish. People typically find out that a couple was open and/or monogamish if that couple divorces or breaks up. If a couple in an open and/or monogamish relationship doesn't divorce or break up—if the openness contributes to their marital happiness and stability—no one ever finds out.

So, yeah, most people know at least one couple in a successful open and/or monogamish relationship. That couple might even be your pastor and his wife. And as this person points out in the comments thread...

If you go on different swinger sites or personal sites, it becomes obvious that millions of Americans are participating—and virtually everyone keeping it secret.

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SL Letter of the Day: Soldier Boy

Dan Savage — Thu, 06 Jun 2013 10:29:28 -0700

I'm a single 27-year-old woman. I've talked to this one guy in the Army off and on for about six years. He's been in and out of the country over those six years, and is in town for now. Long story short, we had sex a couple weeks ago. Finally! It was the best sex I've ever had. Since that night he's been asking me about having a threesome. He is also asking what kind of threesome I would like to have—me/him/guy or me/him/girl). I'm young and this is an opportunity, so I'm up for either one as long as I'm attracted to the other person. But here's the problem... I have feelings for the Army guy. They're not full blown feelings, but I have carried a torch for this guy for six years. Yes, I told him I have feelings for him but he doesn't return them. In fact, he's said he'd like to have this threesome with someone who he cares about but who he isn't in a relationship with. I'm that person for him, and pretty sure that means he doesn't and won't ever want to be in a relationship with me. Also, I've had a foursome before with someone I was in a relationship with and it was not a good experience. I realize that that doesn't mean I'll have a bad experience in this threesome, but I need to get over this mental block. I feel like I can't talk to my friends about this because they'll tell me not to do it and I really want to do it.

Should I have a threesome with my Army guy despite my feelings for him and my past negative experience?

Should I Have A Threesome?

My response after the jump...

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I wanna tell you to have the threeway—I've advised readers in the past to err on the side of threeways—and I'm probably gonna tell you to have the threeway before I'm through writing this response. But I have to say that I'm a little concerned about 1. your feelings for this guy and 2. the way this guy seems to be making a distinction between things he'll do with a girl he's in a relationship with and things he'll do with a girl he isn't in a relationship with.

In my experience, SIHAT, people who only do kinky shit with strangers or FWBs or fuckbuddies—never with actual girlfriends/boyfriends/husband/wives—don't always treat those strangers, FWBs, and fuckbuddies very well. They seem to see their kinks as somehow degrading, something they couldn't do with and/or to someone they actually loved and respected, and consciously or subconsciously they hold the strangers/FWBs/fuckbuddies they do that shit with in certain degree of contempt.

You're probably a little heartsore already, SIHAT. You have feelings for this guy, you told him about those feelings, and he made it clear he doesn't feel the same way about you. So how will you feel if you get the impression after you've had this threeway—or while you're having this threeway (God forbid)—that this guy regards you as unworthy of his love and affection precisely because you had (or you're having) this threeway with him? If the answer is "much, much worse," SIHAT, you might want to pass on this threeway.

Wow—it looks like I'm not gonna tell you to err on the side of this threeway. That's unlike me. But I do think you should have a threeway sometime. Just with someone else. Or a pair of someone elses.

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SL Letter of the Day: Of All the Outrageously Untrue Things People Have Said About Me on Twitter...

Dan Savage — Wed, 05 Jun 2013 10:29:28 -0700

This one really ticked me off:

Who said I stopped writing my responses drunk? I mean, I'm not drunk every time I sit down to write a column—sometimes I have to write in the morning—but I've typically had one or two or three. Basically readers should assume I was drunk when I wrote the column and take that fact into consideration before acting on my advice. Obviously.

Anyway, to prove that I still write responses drunk, I went home and Terry made me three Mai Tais and, well, here we go...

I am a sixty-year-old straight male. The wife and I have been married for almost thirty years and have always had a pretty vanilla, but very satisfying relationship. Both of us exercise regularly and eat healthy and have gotten grayer, but we aren't fat or disgusting and we still have all of our teeth. We aren't teenagers, but we don’t feel like we are old either.

Over the last few years I have been pretty surprised that my sex drive has diminished and along with it my ability to maintain an erection. I mentioned it to my regular doctor and he tested me and found that I had low testosterone levels and he sent me to a urologist for treatment. The urologist checked me out and gave me a rx for Viagra. The magic pills work like a charm... but I always feel like I am cheating and I don't always plan enough in advance so sometimes I'm not as ready as I could be. The wife is thrilled that the pills make me thick as a brick and hard as a rock, and I know that it is always more satisfying than if I was laying there limp and frustrated.

Is this what I have to look forward to? Pills to make me hard?

Lacking In My Penis

My drunken response after the jump...

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You don't have to look forward to pills that make you hard. Pills are making you hard! Right now! Today! And aren't you lucky! In the pre-Viagra days, LIMP, sixty-year-old men with limp dicks stood around, limp dicks in their hands, wishing someone would invent a pill that makes limp dicks thick as a bricks and hard as a rocks. And someone did! And that magic boner pills works for you and your dick! So you don't have to stand around with your limp dick in your hand wishing someone would invent a boner pill! Because! Someone! Already! Did!

So you can take your boner pills, get thick as a brick and hard as a rock, and fuck the duck out of the wife! And after you've blown your sixty-year-old load in the wife—no birth control worries anymore!—you can lay back and thank your lucky stars that you don't have to live the rest of your days on this earth bonerless due to a medical condition (low testosterone) that routinely afflicts older men. Because someone invented boners pills!

Or... you know... instead of being grateful to live in the days of boner pills... you can swan around having an existential crisis about it, LIMP, and ask silly questions like, "Is this what I have to look forward to?" Do you know what you have to look forward to, LIMP? Boners. You have boners to look forward to. Lots and lots of boners. Lucky you!

Finally, LIMP, your question reminded me of this classic Louis C.K. routine...

...which is subtitled here for my Russian readers.

So how'd I do?

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This Week in Sex

Rose Finn — Wed, 05 Jun 2013 09:59:43 -0700

According to a new study, giving birth and getting it on are physiologically more similar than we thought. A new survey study in the journal Sexologies last month reported that some women experience ecstatic or “orgasmic” births; about .03% of midwives have witnessed women having orgasms during birth. Debra Pascali-Bonaro, a childbirth educator and director of the 2009 documentary “Orgasmic Birth: The Best Kept Secret,” said that all of the limitations women have in hospitals (i.e. no water, restraining fetal monitoring devices) make it harder for women to imagine a pleasurable birth experience. “SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!” screamed all the women giving birth right now.

In an effort to get some respect and legal protection from the law, “AMMAR” (the association of women prostitutes of Argentina) has started an ad campaign called “corner.” The ads depict a prostitute on one side of the building, then seeing their hand pushing a stroller or holding their kids’ hands on the perpendicular wall. Above the pictures of children will read various statements like “86% of sex workers are mothers that are looking for laws to protect them against exploitation.” The purpose of AMMAR was originally just to prevent sex trade workers from getting rearrested and detained within 24 hours. The organization’s current goal is to see prostitution in Argentina legalized and acknowledged as legitimate employment. Meanwhile in America, all you have to have to be "legitimately employed" is a Jersey accent and a love affair with Jose Cuervo.

Israel’s being naughty again. Only this time, it doesn't involve bombing Syria. Several female members from the Israeli army recently got busted for posting raunchy photos of themselves online. The photos ranged from mooning the camera next to barely-clad soldiers, to posing in only their combat fatigues. Though the soldiers will be punished and sent to educational lectures to help prevent any further inappropriate behavior, the remaining photos will be sent to Tuchis Monthly, Barely Jewish, and Knishes Gone Wild.

Former Glee star Charice recently came out as a lesbian in an interview with “The Buzz.” Charice has been deemed “the most talented girl in the world” by Oprah, and was discovered through her songs on YouTube. She joined the Glee cast in it’s second season. Upon hearing that another Glee star was gay, all of America said, “And…?”

On May 29th, mayor of the French city Montpelier married her first gay couple, and is now experiencing the backlash of being a pioneer in the gay rights movement. Helene Mandroux has been receiving a slew of death threats, hate mail, and even bags of feces for participating in this movement. Riots have been spreading all throughout France as a backlash to the recent legalization of gay marriage. The backlash has reportedly elevated to the point that all over France, you can see angry Frenchmen attacking people in the streets with baguettes and cheeky ennui.

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For Anyone Freaking Out About Cunnilingus-Induced Oral Cancers in the Wake of Michael Douglas's Interview With the Guardian

Dan Savage — Tue, 04 Jun 2013 13:44:42 -0700

I interviewed Dr. Ted Teknos, the country's leading clinician and researcher on HPV and oral cancers in men, on an episode of the "Savage Lovecast" back in December of 2011. You can listen here.

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SL Letter of the Day: My Ex-Boyfriend

Dan Savage — Tue, 04 Jun 2013 10:29:00 -0700

I am a straight 23-year-old woman. My super cool 21-year-old ex-boyfriend—who is really fun and has a ton of gay friends—kind of gives off a gay vibe. He has a gay brother and a kind of homophobic family. (His family doesn't even know his brother is gay even though his brother has been with his partner for years.) We were in a relationship for nine months, and while our sex life was very affectionate, it wasn't super sexy. He was always pretty interested in trying anal play, because he likes the feeling of not being in power, and he is attracted to muscular male arms. (I get this. Me too!) I tried do it for him—anal—but he wasn't really that into it when we did it.

After we broke up he told me he would be interested in having a man penetrate him anally. I said, "Gosh! I'm so glad that you trust me so much to tell me this! You're an attractive guy, and I'm sure tons of guys would love to penetrate you anally! Do you think that maybe you might be gay?" He said he wasn't gay and that for some reason he had trouble getting guys into him. He says he is annoyed that not enough gay men hit on him. (Duh. Because you tell everyone you are straight!)

I really enjoy having sex with both men and women, and I wouldn't want to invalidate someone else's bisexual life experiences/orientation/identity. Also, we're both sort of submissive, so perhaps we had bad sex was because of that and not because he's gay. (You should also know: I am his first girlfriend and first sex partner ever, other than a somewhat non-consensual relationship he had as a teenager with an older woman.) But when I asked if he was bi he said no! He says he's straight but that he wants another man's dick up his ass. (He used other words.) Again, Dan, he has of gay friends and his only close family member is gay. If he's really gay, he should be out by now. I'm out as bi and have been since before we met.

Sometimes when we hang out it feels like he wants to get back together. For example, he asked if we could get back together. I love being close to him, but I honestly have no desire to have sex with him, and I was very honest about not wanting to get back together. The worst part is, I don't know whether or not I'm allowed to hang out with him anymore. He said he wanted to get back together and I should probably avoid him so as not to lead him on. On the other hand, he sounds pretty gay, and I'm one of the only friends he has told about that aspect of his sexual orientation, meaning I should be around to support him if he eventually comes out as gay. Also, I really like him! He's so cool! It would be super convenient if he were gay, because then I could have no guilt about hanging with him. What should I do about this?

Cute Boy's Ex-Girlfriend

My response after the jump...

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I don't wanna commit an act of bisexual erasure here, CBEG, because that'll gas up the "Dan Savage is a monstrous biphobic meanie" thing. But I'm thinking your ex-boyfriend is gay.

It's not the wants-to-be-anally-penetrated-by-a-man thing or the obsessed-with-muscular-male arms thing or the making-out-with-other-dudes-at-parties thing that leads me to believe he's gay. Lots of bisexual dudes want to be anally penetrated by other dudes and obsess about muscular dude arms and make out with other dudes at parties. No, CBEG, what leads me to believe that he's gay is... paradoxically...

Your ex-boyfriend insists he's straight. Nothing but straight.

Insisting you're nothing but straight while you're talking with your ex-girlfriend about your burning desire to be fucked in the ass by another man—not being willing to cop to bisexual or even heteroflexible—is some pretty twisted gay fucking closet case shit. Add the homophobic family and the out-to-him-but-not-to-the-homophobic-folks brother and his desire to get back together with you despite the less-than-spectacular sex life you two had together.... and you're lookin' at the psych profile of a deeply conflicted totally gay 'mo. Why not a deeply conflicted totally bi bi? Because if your ex were bisexual, CBEG, he would probably be able to say that—at least to you—because "bi" doesn't preclude winding up in a relationship that would meet with his family's approval. But because he's not bisexual... he can't bring himself to say anything at all.

Well, anything other than "I want to be fucked in the ass by another dude." He can say that. But that's about an act, not an identity. He's making a distinction between those two things—between acts and identities—which is pretty common in the deeply conflicted totally gay 'mo community.

I could continue to unpack this for you, CBEG, but your question wasn't, "Is my ex-boyfriend gay?", but rather, "Should I hang out with my ex-boyfriend?" And my answer to that is yes. Your ex needs a confidant, he needs someone he can be open with about his ~~hetero~~sexuality, and the clear benefit of your being there to draw him out—gently helping him see the contradictions?—far outweighs the small risk of your hurting him by leading on. What he needs is a gurrrrlfriend, not a girlfriend, and you can safely play that role for him.

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Hey Greek News Anchor! There are People Having SEX! Like, RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Fri, 31 May 2013 10:44:38 -0700

NO, Greek news anchor! Not over your left shoulder! Over your RIGHT shoulder! Just turn around, and... NO! Don't look down, look UP! Look at the monitor! THE MONITOR DIRECTLY BEHIND YOUR RIGHT SHOU—oh, fucking forget it.

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SL Letter of the Day: Wee Weenies

Dan Savage — Fri, 31 May 2013 10:29:36 -0700

Dan Savage is on a book tour for his new book American Savage: Insights, Slights, and Fights on Faith, Sex, Love, and Politics. Please enjoy this Savage Love letter from the archives. This letter was originally published July 12, 2007:

I'm pro-sex, bisexual, and GGG. I'm also a mother. I have a 14-year-old son, and when I type a website address into our home computer, a million porn sites pop up. I've had lots of lovers, watched my share of porn, I masturbate, blah blah blah. But something about my baby looking at Asian sluts getting it up the ass turns me into a sex-negative freak.

I can't stand the thought of my son looking at porn on the internet. And the thought of him wanking in front of my computer gets me going as well. Help me out here! Should I say something? I don't want to make him uncomfortable! Should I make him stop?

Internet Porn Reality Utterly Dismays Elder

Sure, IPRUDE, "make him" stop. Make your 14-year-old son stop looking at all the free porn on the internet. Sounds like a plan. And after your son stops looking at internet porn, IPRUDE, be a doll and make George W. Bush pull our troops out of Iraq, fire Dick Cheney, and institute a single-payer health-care system. And then make him resign. Thanks.

Look, IPRUDE, like a lot of hipster parents, you've concluded that your enlightened attitudes toward sex obligate you to smile on your son's taste in porn and his masturbatory habits. After all, you wouldn't want your son to judge the porn you like or make you feel bad about masturbating, right? So wouldn't it make you a hypocrite if you judged his porn and made him feel bad about masturbating? No, IPRUDE, it wouldn't, and here's why: because you don't live in his house, he lives in yours; you're old enough to understand the difference between porn sex and real sex, he's not; you're not using his computer, he's using yours.

Sorry, IPRUDE, but you have to say something to him because you're the parent. And there are times when a parent—even a pro-sex, GGG, bisexual parent—has to make her kid feel uncomfortable. The conversation you're about to have is gonna make your son wanna die, of course, but someone has to tell him that he's not the porn ninja he thinks he is. Right now he thinks he's getting away with it, stealthily downloading Asian anal gangbang porn and having top-secret wanks at Mom's computer. You can't send him off to college, or let him move in with roommates, or, God forbid, marry someone believing that he'll be able to fool his roommates or his new wife the same way he fooled his mother.

This talk isn't going to stop your son from looking at internet porn, nor is he going to refrain from beating off in front of your computer. But a freak-out—even a strategic, disingenuous freak-out—will prompt your son to become more cautious about his porn consumption. He'll be sneakier and cover his tracks better, if only to avoid more boner-killing conversations with Mom about his taste in porn. Being stealthier about how and when and where he consumes internet porn will also result in his consuming a bit less of it, which is what you want. And if you include a few choice words about the kind of porn he's looking at—what it depicts, where it was made, how it may shape or distort his desires—he may even give a bit more thought to his porn choices. Good luck, Mom.

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SL Letter of the Day: Back in the Saddle

Dan Savage — Thu, 30 May 2013 10:29:00 -0700

I adore my smart, affectionate, sexy husband—but he's impotent. We don't really need medical advice—we know why. (It started out physiological, side effects from anti-depressants, now it's psychological.) He's currently—and willingly—seeing a psychiatrist.

I need some advice on how we can get back in the saddle. Direct discussions about the problem make him feel worse and more inadequate. He's even admitted he avoids situations where we might fool around, because if he doesn't try, he can't fail. I want to be understanding, but I also really need to get some. Asking him to use a strap-on is just plain insensitive, right?

Help One Really Neglected Young Woman

My response after the jump...

Your husband avoids "fool around situations," or FAS, because he feels like he won't be able to satisfy you, his theory being, "no bone, no satisfaction." That seems to be your theory too, HORNYW, and embracing it is making your problem worse. It's perfectly understandable that he would avoid FAS—and the humiliation of failure—until he's absolutely positive he can keep it up. That's why the best approach in a situation like this is to take the focus—and the pressure—off the guy's dick. Tell him he can't fail to satisfy you with oral sex, masturbation, and toys (perhaps working your way up to strap-ons), and he'll begin to think of sex as something he's good at again, boned or boneless.

And guess what, HORNYW? You may find that once your husband is not expected to produce an erection during FAS, his dick starts getting hard. However, resist the urge to jump on his cock the first time—the first few dozen times—if he gets hard while he's eating your pussy or using his hand to get you off. If you selfishly jump on one of those early hard-ons and he loses his erection, well, you might as well take a belt sander to his balls.

So those first erections? They're not for you, HORNYW, they're for him. You should both agree in advance that if he gets hard and wants to get off, he's going to beat off while he eats you out, or fingers you, or watches you get yourself off. Before you can reconnect with his dick, your husband has to reconnect with it, i.e., he needs to get back to a time when his dick was something that gave him pleasure, not something that failed to satisfy you. Trust me, HORNYW, when that happens he'll fuck you senseless so often that you'll long for the days of FAS avoidance.

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SL Letter of the Day: Need to Be Stoned to Share

Dan Savage — Wed, 29 May 2013 10:29:00 -0700

Originally published December 4, 2008:

My girlfriend and I have been on-and-off for almost two years. I took her back after she cheated on me. Now she wants a threesome. I am not down with sharing her, but I am willing to do it because otherwise some other girl will do it for her. I told her that I want to be stoned, because I don't think I can handle it sober. She got mad because she doesn't like drugs. Then what am I supposed to do?

Lesbian With One Real Dilemma

My response after the jump...

You're supposed to wake the fuck up already.

You can be in a monogamous relationship with someone, LWORD, or you can be in a relationship with this woman—but you can't be in a monogamous relationship with this woman. She's already proven herself to be inept at this monogamy stuff; she cheated on you, you took her back, and now she's pressing you to bring in the occasional third. You may not be down with sharing her, LWORD, but she seems intent on being shared.

Here's the question you should be asking yourself: Do you want this woman in your life badly enough to overcome your aversion to sharing? Agreeing to a three-way—so long as you're baked—doesn't count. A three-way involving a woman; her reluctant, resentful, self-medicating girlfriend; and an innocent bystander is unlikely to (1) be much fun for anyone involved (particularly your unlucky third) or (2) put an end to your girlfriend's desire for share time.

Your girlfriend is seeking to fold her desire to sleep with other women into the structure of your relationship: three-ways now, perhaps some degree of openness later. She gets points for being honest this time, but she loses points for being manipulative and controlling. (New pussy for her, no pot for you? Please.) And if this three-way is a disaster and you refuse to have others—which may be the outcome you're subconsciously hoping for—I predict that your girlfriend will just go back to cheating on you.

So returning to my original point: If you want a girlfriend you don't have to share, find another girlfriend. If you want this girlfriend, learn to share.

And invest in a vaporizer.

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This Week in Sex

Rose Finn — Wed, 29 May 2013 09:59:24 -0700

The Boy Scouts finally realized how gay those brown little suits are and lifted its ban on openly gay members. Any new or current Boy Scout can not be discriminated against based on sexual preference. However, the Scouts' policy only applies to youth; they still won't hire openly gay leaders, and gay scouts may be forced to leave upon turning 18. "This will work really well, because everybody stops being gay at 18, anyway," said no one, ever.

The Army got more bad rep this week after Sergeant Michael McClendon was reported to have been secretly videotaping female cadets undressing or in the shower without their consent. McClendon is a sergeant at West Point; said to be one of the more respectful and progressive military academies, with a growing rate of female army members in combat positions. McClendon's job required him to “assist each cadet in balancing and integrating the requirements of physical, military, academic and moral-ethical programs.” No one was aware, however, that McClendon had gotten his moral-ethical training from watching old episodes of Blind Date.

In young, slim, and sexy news, comments that Abercrombie and Fitch CEO Mike Jeffries made in 2006 recently resurfaced, subsequently plummeting the company’s sales by 17%. In his interview with Salon, Abercrombie CEO and melting mound of Play-Doh Mike Jeffries said, “We want to market to cool, good-looking people. We don’t market to anyone other than that. A lot of people don’t belong [in our clothes], and they can’t belong." He then added, "Are we exclusionary? Absolutely," while injecting his face with a proprietary blend of Red Bull and his own ass fat.

BusinessWeek columnist Liz Ryan recently conducted a sex survey, publishing a column titled “The Truth about Sex at Work.” According to this BusinessInsider survey, about 51% of 2,500 workers asked said “yes” to having had sex with a colleague. 48% of those that had had sex with a colleague had done so in the office. “What do you mean?” said Tammy in accounting, with a hand full of cock.

In nip slip news, Mariah Carey's Donatella Versace dress spontaneously busted open on live television, and nobody was surprised. Carey started uttering profanities, holding it in place while tech people hastily safety-pinned her back together. Said the Turkish ten-year-old that made her dress, "Geez Louise—I must have gone over that inseam a hundred times!"

The future of sex is "coming" quickly, and it’s lubricated and plastic. Female sex robots are the future of prostitution, and already under development, according to a couple of researchers from New Zealand. In the journal Futures, sexologist Michelle Mars described in detail what the year 2050 will look like for prostitution. Mars describes a club in Amsterdam, with a going rate of $10,000 euros, filled with lifelike sex toy robots, made of anti-bacterial fibers that would resist infection and the spread of STDs. These dolls would also resist the spread of real relationships, social skills, and the need to bathe.

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SL Letter of the Day: Tickle Pickle

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Tue, 28 May 2013 10:29:20 -0700

Originally published May 3, 2007:

I'm a 17-year-old male with a tickling fetish and I don't have a problem with it. It just gets me off to tickle women. So why am I writing to you? My parents divorced when I was 13 and I live with my dad since my mom moved away. Six months ago, my dad married a 29-year-old woman. A few months ago, I tickled her armpit when she reached up into a cupboard. She didn't pull away and seemed to enjoy it. Surprisingly, she also has a tickling fetish on the opposite end. She loves it when a man tickles her. She now walks around the house barefoot and with skimpy clothing so that her stomach and ribs are exposed so I can tickle her whenever I want.

However, we always do it behind my dad's back. I would NEVER do this with my real mother (that's sick). But with a stepmom, is it okay? I'm starting to feel guilty about doing this without my dad's knowledge.

Lusting After Father's Fresh Spouse

My response after the jump...

Ever since Oedipus gouged out his eyes, LAFFS, conventional wisdom has held that it's better to err on the side of not fucking your father's wife. Oedipus's dad was married to Oedipus's mom, granted, but if Sophocles were writing plays about today's blended families—and it's a shame that he's not—a 17-year-old Oedipus with a tickling fetish and a cock tease for a stepmom would doubtless come to a bad end.

Let me be your Cassandra here, LAFFS: Keep the tickling up and you will shortly be fucking your stepmom. Now, to a horny 17-year-old that may not sound like a compelling reason to stop tickling his stepmom, but pause to consider the stakes. You've already concluded that your father would be furious about the tickling alone (why hide it from him otherwise?); have you contemplated the tragedy that would unfold if he found out you were fucking his wife? The stakes are lower for your stepmom; she doesn't have to be your father's wife forever. You and your dad, however, are stuck with each other for life, LAFFS, so you would be well advised to keep your hands off your stepmom's feet, ribs, pits, and soon-to-be-proffered twat.

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SL Letter of the Day: Pray Away

Dan Savage — Mon, 27 May 2013 10:29:37 -0700

Originally published July 16, 2009:

You were recommended to me by an acquaintance familiar with your column and podcast. I am a 20-year-old male, and as such have certain desires that almost all 20-year-old males have (desires of a sexual nature). However, I am deeply religious. Religion has been for me a source of strength in my times of weakness, a rock in the times of storm, and above all a home to return to when I have lost my path. In the teachings of my particular religion, to indulge the particular desires I am experiencing will condemn me to fates too grotesque to mention. I am rational enough to realize that there is no way that I can "pray away" these desires. My question is this: How does one prepare for a life of celibacy and solitude (as that is what is required of me to remain a member of this particular faith)? Based on what my friend has told me, I know you have little respect for religious practices and beliefs. However, these desires are not exactly something I can talk about with other members of my spiritual community. And while I am currently seeking counseling related to other issues, I was wondering what a so-called expert on sex and sexuality would have to say.

Clever Acronyms Escape Me

My response after the jump...

Get over yourself, faggot.

If it's possible for you to act on your unnamed-but-easily-identified desires in an ethical manner—if you desire to do whatever it is you desire to do with consenting adults who desire to take their turn doing it to you—this so-called expert on sexuality thinks you should crawl down off that cross and find yourself a boyfriend already. ("Pray away" the gay? I'm guessing you're Christian, probably Catholic.) And if you experience a moment's anxiety the first time you stick your ass in the air—pull the Jesus stick out first!—just remind yourself that things have been crawling on top of each other and madly humping away for 850 million years. Sex came first, then humanity (200,000ish years ago), then religion came along tens of thousands of years after that. Which may explain why religion, when pitted against sex (really old) and human nature (pretty old), always loses. Always.

If you're on the cross, CAEM, it's because you put yourself up there. Which means you're not some poor mortal trapped between a cosmic rock and an existential hard place; you're just another closeted cocksucker with a martyr complex.

Look, kiddo, you get one life, one chance at happiness. If it gives you a spiritual semi to fantasize about a God who created you gay but forbids you to act on your emotional and sexual attraction to men, knock your damn self out. But you can have a boyfriend and Jesus, too—look at the pope—you just have to do what people have been doing since the first terrified idiot invented the first bullshit religion: improvise. Find yourself a brand-new religion or sect, or jettison the bits of your current faith that don't work for you. If you know anything about the history of Christianity—and it sounds like you don't—then you know that the revisions began before the body was cold. No reason to stop now.

And finally, CAEM, there is no God—you do realize that, right? No hell below us, above us only sky, etc.

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