Ahhh, with the weather finally warming, I’m starting to get the craving for ice cream! But I’m not sure what I get a craving for when I watch the following ice cream commercials. I feel allured and repulsed and hungry and guilty and… well, just dirty. I think it should be noted that these commercials originate outside of the United States. Some of them might not actually be selling ice cream. I’m not sure, does anyone read Hebrew? At any rate, in anticipation of the first day of summer, I give you visions of a warm and sunny future. May be NSFW if your boss is a perv.

Not sure about the origin on this one, but… wow… just… wow

More sexy/disturbing ice cream ads after the jump!

Oh snap! It’s a food, sex, fashion trifecta!

The other day, I sent my up-coming Last Supper column to our esteemed editor, Wm. Steven Humphrey. Upon receiving it, he immediately sent me a message: “Change the lead. It’s too porny.”

I re-read what I had written. It was a description of my wife, Kitty, enjoying an excellent curry. It included the phrase, “moans with pleasure.” It seems our fearless leader is a little squeamish when it comes to sex and food. He claims that it’s hard to strike the eroticism/food balance, and when it’s not done right, “it’s just gross.” Okay, sure… So, I did tone down my lead, but I still believe that sex and food go hand in hand. Or, in the case of food bras, breast in cup! Check out the bacon bra!

fo-sizzle my-nizzle!

How can you tell me that this is gross? I mean, besides the fact that the bacon is raw. Just think of the possibilities! It’s not only sexy and alluring, it’s incredibly useful! Woke up hungry for brunch after a late night at the club, but you spent all your dough the night be’fo? Just strip off some bacon and your on your way!

The more research I conducted on food bras (read: lazy Google image search), the more amazed I was by the ingenious combinations of breasts and cuisine. And, strangely, the less erotic the whole thing seemed. Crap! Maybe Steve was right… It turns out that I became more concerned about the functionality of these undergarments than anything else. Maybe you’ll have a different experience.

More photos after the jump!

Everybody’s gone from your office, right? GOOD. I can finally show you this video, AKA the CREEPIEST PSA YOU’VE EVER SEEN. In fact, it’s so creepy I’ve decided to abolish “Cat Fridays” and enact “Sexual Molestation PSA Fridays.” You’re welcome.

OH! And by the way, if you’re in daycare? Don’t visit Mr. McGregor’s wood shop. Especially if he asks you to paint a birdhouse. And he has a Polaroid camera.

So, there’s this trend of putting busty breasted baristas in to bathing suits (I fucking love alliteration). There’s a couple of these places in Oregon (Milwaukie I think), but many are located among our neighbors to the north. Usually these gals work in those drive up jobbies. The idea is that you can get a caffeine fix and a chubby, all at the same time, without leaving your car! Why these things would go together is anyone’s guess, really.

Apparently, some local who lives in Whiny-ass-bitches Lake, Washington, where one of these half nekkid coffee stands is located, is all up in arms because her kid happened to look out her car window and see some flesh. So now she’s gotta ruin it for everyone. Ohhh, some-body’s gotta save the children, the poor children, for the love of god, think of the children, wah wah wah!!!

Puh-lease. A hottie in pasties ain’t gonna ruin little Johnnie.

Here’s the CNN clip for you! BTW take a look at how old this lady’s kids are! Like they haven’t discovered what happens on Cinemax after 10pm? C’mon!

“Seeing a barista in pasties… on a busy road… it’s just terrifying.”

No. You wanna know what’s terrifying? A steam burn on your nipples, which was probably why she was wearing pasties in the first place.

Also terrifying? Not being able to see a barista in a bikini. Shiver. Someone, please think of the children.

KY has come up with a highly scientific survey to test whether or not you’re British in bed. The actor playing the passport controller is remarkably accurate. Unfortunately, despite my best efforts to dupe the survey, it turns out I’m officially not British in bed:

61% Taiwanese: Whatever that means…

Enjoy.

Now, I’ve been known to go at it with my physical therapist in a hot tub—and then “spritz” on an unsuspecting employee… but I’ve never documented my sexual exploits in Saturday morning cartoon form like Iron Man did in this 1994 clip. That’s just… WRONG!

I suppose if I have to ask the above question, then the answer is “yes.” However, while this is possibly the cleanest porn trailer you’ve ever seen, it does have everything else you’re looking for: Hilariously bad dialogue, questionable acting, skanky promiscuous gals, creepy horny guys, and a great title that was ripped from the headlines, “GOV LOVE: The Eliot Splitz-Her Story”. Thank you, Hustler Video. This gives me a political reason to drop into Mr. Peeps.

I love it when we find examples of human behavior in the animal world. Here’s the dramatic opening from a particularly shocking AP article:

Marine biologists studying wild octopuses have found a kinky and violent society of jealous murders, gender subterfuge and once-in-a-lifetime sex.

Wow, sounds like a night at the Greek Cuisina

Hey, wait a minute…

The researchers go on to describe octopus hook-ups:

Picky, macho males carefully select a mate, then guard their newly domesticated digs so jealously that they would occasionally use their 8- to 10-inch tentacles to strangle a romantic rival to death.

Are they sure they weren’t at the Greek Cuisina? Maybe just got confused by the giant purple octopus?

The researchers also observed smaller “sneaker” male octopuses put on feminine airs, such as swimming girlishly near the bottom and keeping their male brown stripes hidden in order to win unsuspecting conquests.

Ahhh, the old “sneaker” male. Right, “Oh I’m too drunk to get home, maybe I should just sleep here… Oh, no, it’s all right if we share you’re bed. I’m gay, it’s not like I’m gonna do anything…”
The next thing you know, you’re woken up by wandering tentacles.

Octopus sex: truly fascinating. But with the possibility of the Cuisina losing its liquor license, I wonder, where else will they be able to mate? Great, another species is losing its habitat. Thanks OLCC!

Scarlett Johannseen and Penelope Cruz apparently share a pretty hot sex scene in Woody Allen’s upcoming “Vicky Cristina Barcelona”

A source tells the NYPOST:

“It is also extremely erotic. People will be blown away and even shocked. Penelope and Scarlett go at it in a red-tinted photography dark room, and it will leave the audience gasping.”

Woody’s new film looks promising, boob-wise

In other news, they also take part in a threesome with Oscar-winning Badass Javier Bardem.

Woody Allen - Man About Town

So Clark Hoyt, the nytimes public editor, wrote a good piece about that McCain business in Sunday’s Times. I agree with most of what he writes.

But in the absence of a smoking gun, I asked Keller why he decided to run what he had.

“If the point of the story was to allege that McCain had an affair with a lobbyist, we’d have owed readers more compelling evidence than the conviction of senior staff members,” he replied. “But that was not the point of the story. The point of the story was that he behaved in such a way that his close aides felt the relationship constituted reckless behavior and feared it would ruin his career.”

I think that ignores the scarlet elephant in the room. A newspaper cannot begin a story about the all-but-certain Republican presidential nominee with the suggestion of an extramarital affair with an attractive lobbyist 31 years his junior and expect readers to focus on anything other than what most of them did. And if a newspaper is going to suggest an improper sexual affair, whether editors think that is the central point or not, it owes readers more proof than The Times was able to provide.
…

I asked Jill Abramson, the managing editor for news, if The Times could have done the story and left out the allegation about an affair. “That would not have reflected the essential truth of why the aides were alarmed,” she said.

But what the aides believed might not have been the real truth. And if you cannot provide readers with some independent evidence, I think it is wrong to report the suppositions or concerns of anonymous aides about whether the boss is getting into the wrong bed.

When a newspaper of the Times’ stature goes to press insinuating a sex scandal, you better have hard evidence, and not just a few embittered ex-aids gossiping about their old boss. I get what the editors are saying here – that even if he wasn’t having sex with her, it was still an inappropriate relationship in that McCain in the late 80s essentially took bribes from a special interest, and this woman, who he admits to being “friends” with, and who is not his wife, is a lobbyist. Fine. But the editors should have been more realistic, and not as lazy, about the public’s perception of leading such a damaging story with mere hearsay.

NYTIMES, I love you, but you don’t do yourself any favors in terms of objectivity when you write like this. The lazy reporting just gives conservatives further ammunition to blather on about the paper’s liberal bias. In the future, the paper should practice higher standards when presenting such controversial and potentially damming cases.