Hello friends, enemies, and fellow Cancers, with whom I vibe very strongly and complicatedly, as is our nature; it's our season!! I'm going to be honest with you: I know very little about astrology. I know that I was born between late June and late July and that some ancient beings/contemporary Instagram girlies determined that some of my shitter personality traits can be blamed on this, which like: yes, cool, happy to credit the stars with my pettiness and sensitivity.

Welcome to The Trash Report! Let's see what other junk out there is good.

I Guess That's Why They Called it a Submersible and Not a Floatable

I'm sure everyone has heard/thought/talked enough about the Oceangate submersible that imploded on a mission to see the wreckage of the Titanic last week, and how messed up it is that people spent $250,000 only to die in a flimsy minivan with no shoes on. So I don't want to write about it. But I do want to write one thing, which is how little money $250,000 is to the billionaires on board who died. I was trying to do some math about how many times a billionaire could have paid to be killed in the tin balloon, but a billion dollars is literally more zeroes than my iPhone calculator can work with. Then I got to thinking, couldn't the engineers behind pocket computers figure out how to fit more zeroes? THEN I thought, of course, the owners of Apple are billionaires, perhaps this is intentional on Apple's part, so all of us poors remain stupid about just how much money a billion dollars is? Holy shit, did I just crack something here? Big calculators are in on protecting the billionaire class?? This theory is smart! I'm smart!

Not them though:

That multiple people could have so much spare money to use it so recklessly, and that so many resources could be quickly assembled in an attempt to rescue them, is a reminder that poverty is a policy choice, as is letting migrants die at sea. 

Hey wait, you say; this column is supposed to be funny! Yes well, you can't spell "humorless" without "humor" now, can you?

Speaking of the gross accumulation of obscene wealth, let's see what those monarchs are up to! Or in this case, I guess former monarch is more appropriate: Prince Harry and Meghan Markle recently parted ways with Spotify, and word is they might be having their contract with Netflix retooled as well. Apparently those media companies are demanding that Harry and Meghan "work" for the "money" they "got." I truly love how much Prince Harry is pretending to not be a royal anymore, while still insisting on getting paid to simply vibe. Some entitlement to wealth and privilege doesn't fall far from the tree!

Hunter? Damn Near Killed Her!

President Biden's himbo son Hunter pleaded guilty to misdemeanor tax crimes which is about the biggest snoozefest in the world for a guy who seemed so capable of so much. Republicans have been beating that drum for years, and all we get is tax fraud? He was supposed to be the bad son! The abandoned laptop Fox News wouldn't shut up about didn't even make an appearance in the indictment. Couldn't they have told us at least three-to-five freaky things he googled within the last year? The guilty pleas are bad for Biden, only in that he is widely known as a decent man who loves his children. I hate this non-scandal! I'm mad that I wrote about it! But I'll never get that time back, so I will not be deleting it.

More White Dudes? Ugh!

This is a very dude-heavy column which I don't love for us, but they've been sucking up all the oxygen both in submersibles and on Twitter! I mean, look at this shit:

Yes, let's hear more about fairness in sports from Lance Armstrong, the man who was stripped of his titles for taking performance-enhancing drugs! And also, like, I mean absolutely no shade to any person who has come out of the other side of cancer, but Armstrong had a cancerous testicle removed. He has literally altered his reproductive organs in order to save his life, much like many trans people do when they receive gender-affirming care! So yes, I'm glad Sheryl Crow dumped him, and I hope he's still sad about it! 

Last bit, and this one is good: Daytime talk show host Maury Povich, famous for delivering the results of paternity tests on his show, is now a brand ambassador for a home paternity test. This sponsorship is good. This makes sense to me. I wish him great success, although not a success; a few boneheads need to remain in the dark because 1) college students need something to watch in the middle of the day when they're supposed to be learning, and 2) "you are NOT the father!" just won't same the same coming from an app. 

Birthday Notes

Happy Birthday to me, but also to Oregon Zoo porcupine Nolina! 

I thought it was shady of the zoo to call Nolina elderly when she's only 19, but porcupines usually only live to 15, so it's actually appropriate in her case. Zookeepers say the old lady enjoys corn and apples, and like: same, bitch!

In other elderly news, a San Jose man Robert Moore recently turned 100, and his family and community celebrated the lifelong lover of all dogs by putting together a dog parade. 200 dogs showed up! And Moore pet every! Single! One! Listen: I'm 40. I don't know if I'll live to be 100 years old. And I shouldn't have to live to be 100 years old to have a dog parade birthday party thrown for me. Just putting this out there. You've got a whole year to work on it!

On that note, I gotta go blow out some candles and think about my life. Thank you for spending my birthday week with me.

Elderly,