Yesterday at 5:27 pm, my cell phone rang. The caller: PUBLIC ALERTS. The message: A soothing Mayor Sam Adams telling me the city was testing its emergency system and thanking me for signing up my phone number in the city's database.

I was just one of 328,000 people to get the call yesterday. This is a slight miracle, because just two weeks ago, a similar test of the emergency alert system utterly failed, reaching only one percent of the people who signed up for alerts. If there had been, say, an e-coli breakout in our water system, a massive fire tearing across town, or a noxious gas leak, 99 percent of people who try to keep informed wouldn't have known about it.

But as Nathan Gilles' story in our paper this week notes: Even when the alerts work, Portlanders might be screwed in a disaster. The city relies on trained neighborhood leaders to be responders during a real disaster—the leaders in the city's NET program are supposed to be responsible for helping get their neighbors to safety, administer basic first aid, and reach people trapped in rubble. But just three of Portland's 95 neighborhoods actually have active teams with about 15-20 people each. Ouch. Read about it all here.

Holy crap! Outcry by the medieval-inflected Roman Catholic Church has Barack Obama promising an "accommodation" over new a rule requiring insurance plans, even those provided by people who genuflect to unelected old men in fancy robes, to offer free birth control to women.

Greece's two largest unions have embarked on a flash 48-hour general strike to protest austerity budget-cutting measures meant to keep the government from defaulting on its debts. Trains and ferries are sitting idle, but not police, naturally, who are gassing protesters.

Here's another story, like most of them over the past several months, about how violence in Syria—a pair of suicide bomb strikes, this time—is "escalating" and putting the country on the "brink of civil war."

One day soon, the water you use to dissolve your Kool-Aid powder will have been excreted from someone's disease-riddled bladder.

The Alabama Republican in charge of the House committee that oversees the nation's banking and finance industries is under an ethics investigation for "possible violation of insider-trading laws."

Proving that even animals can't just tolerate insufferable morning shows, a rescued dog annoyed at being paraded in front of cameras bit an anchorwoman in the face.

Argentina has crawled into its time machine and aimed it for the United Nations, where it plans to protest Britain's "militarisation" [sic] of the Falklands.

Equating Occupy protesters with violent gangsters, Oakland is employing the same kind of exclusion-zone "stay-away" orders it normally uses to (controversially) keep hoodlums from hanging out together in their favorite places.

After a run of police shootings in Washington, DC, the Washington Post interviews four officers who've killed someone at some point in their careers about the toll it's taken on them.

The FBI figured out that Steve Jobs was an asshole who enjoyed drugs.

Los Angeles officials say we're all stupid for thinking county officials just made it illegal (and expensive if caught) to throw volleyballs around at the beach. A new law, they said, just made doing all that stuff more legal.

FRISBEES REALLY ARE NO LAUGHING MATTER. THEY CAN HURT YOU VERY BADLY.

Yay WA Gays! The legislature passes gay marriage! Now all equality needs is a sign-off from the governor.

New Nukes: The US Nuclear Regulatory Commission approves the first new nuclear reactors in the US since 1978.

Prince Racks Up Kills!!! Prince Harry is deployed to Afghanistan to "kill insurgents," like the world is a video game.

Femme Front: The Pentagon catches up to the late 20th century, nixing some restrictions on the jobs women can have in the military.

Obama's Approval Rating Sort of Improves: For some strange reason, the past two years have been pretty rough on Obama's economic approval rating. Maybe his new campaign mix tape is helping his image?

Backing Off No Child Left Behind: The Obama administration is letting 10 states opt out of the controversial education program.

Assault in Homs: Live updates from the bloody trouble in Syria.

Greeks Ink Deal: Greece agrees to cut its spending in exchange for a massive bailout from the EU.

Everybody Start Driving Again: The ice caps are melting at serious speed—but not as fast as scientists thought.

Book Fight! Major bookstores like Barnes and Nobel are boycotting Amazon titles.

In Sad Implosion News: Kodak is going to stop making cameras.

New York Fashion Week Begins: Let us ogle the 16-year-olds and wonder if they're sad.

Whales: Not People. A somewhat hilarious ruling on PETA's anti-Seaworld case.

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! So here I am, in this Hollywood city. The city of the stars, movies, women and cars. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Frothy old Rick Santorum sweeps the Minnesota, Colorado and Missouri caucuses, squirting his victory all over Mitt Romney's face. Anybody got a wet nap?

Rick Santorum says to Fox and Friends: "We felt it, we felt it coming." Gross.

Syria's vice prez says he wants to open discussions with the protesters, and ask them to please stand still while the government drops bombs on them.

Iran claims that if necessary, it can hit U.S. targets worldwide at any time. OH, SHUT UP, FELICITY.

The 2% payroll tax cut expires at the end of February, and guess who's dragging their feet AGAIN?

Rupert Murdoch settles nine of the hacking lawsuits—barely paying a tuppence, if ya ask me, guv'nah.

Today in "UGGGHHH!!" and "Brrrrrrrrr."

Russian scientists bore into an ancient, Antarctic lake and find... OH MY GOD!!! WHAT IS THAT THING?!? NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOO.... [end transmission]

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Hey!! What happened to the fucking sun?!? Fuck weather forecasts anyway.

And finally, I'M SERIOUS GUYS! Fuck our weather people! I want Tom Miller from Channel 11 in Alpena, Michigan! AND I WANT HIM NOW!

Smash the State Locally Owned Italian Restaurant! An anti-police brutality march in SE Portland last night starts peacefully, but winds up smashing the window of Genoa.

Priorities USA Action: Three random buzzwords stuck together? No! Obama's new Super PAC!

Dirty Money: While he's now up for taking massive checks from anonymous people, Obama will not take money from Mexican fugitives, dammit!

Comeuppance: The anti-abortion VP of the Susan G. Komen foundation resigns.

Downsizing: The US is planning to cut its Iraqi embassy staff by half.

Myanmar Lightens Up: It seems that media censors are letting a little light into the country of dictatorship.

Greece Fire: Activists in Greece protest as the government weighs an EU bailout deal.

Now That's Taking Action: A school with two teachers accused of sexually abusing students replaces the entire staff, pending investigation.

Unacceptable Repression: Iran bans dolls of The Simpsons, saying they promote Western culture.

Whattup Nerds! It's Charles Dickens' birthday!

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! And I thought I was mistaken, and I thought I heard you speak. Tell me how do I feel? Tell me now, how should I feel? LET'S GO TO PRESS.

The U.S. embassy in Syria yanks everybody out, citing increased violence and hostility fostered by the repression of the nearly year-long revolt against the government.

SPOILER ALERT! The Giants won the Superbowl—like I give a rat's ass. What I really cared about was the awesome Madonna halftime show, which seemed specifically designed for people like me, and... HEY!! Why is M.I.A. giving me the bird?? Fuck YOU, M.I.A.!!

As Nathan noted in GMN yesterday, Mittens Romney took the Nevada primary—next up are caucuses in Minnesota, Colorado, and Missouri (also known as the "Show Me a Better Candidate" state).

GOP loser (who doesn't know it) Newt Swingrich attacks Obama for his position on birth control, calling it an "outrageous assault on religion." As we know, Newt is a "Swingaterian"—a religion based on fucking around on your wife.

You know that your iPhone and iPad were made under sweatshop conditions—now the major media is getting the idea as well.

A scrutinized dad in Puyallup, Washington sends an email saying, "I'm sorry. Goodbye," and then blows up his house, killing himself and two sons. UGGGGHNNNHHH!!!

The right-winger who killed 77 in the Norway camp massacre says in court that he deserves "a medal of honor" for his actions. KAAAA-RAAAAA-ZYYYY!

Hot liveblog action on Blogtown tonight as the Blazers take on the Oklahoma City Thunder! Ezra will be delivering the commentary, focusing almost exclusively on the Thunder's mascot: a bison that plays the drums. BE THERE!!!

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Other than a few creeping clouds, expect sunny skies and temps in the low 50s all the way to the weekend!

And finally, forget Madonna and forget M.I.A.'s middle-finger (Fuck YOU, by the way, M.I.A.!!), here's the real star of the halftime show: Crazy windmill leg backup dancer guy! WTF???

Mitt Romney won last night’s Nevada caucuses. It looks like Mittens is now the Republican front-runner. Watch his victory speech below.

Egyptian authorities could soon try 19 Americans—including Sam LaHood, son of US secretary of transportation Ray LaHood—on criminal charges. The Obama administration has warned that prosecuting Americans might make the US stingy with the $1.5 billion it was going to dole out to the country and its military leaders.

In other Egypt news: The four-day Cairo protests demanding early elections rage on. In total seven people have died in clashes with police.

As things heat up in Egypt, Europe's cold snap has now claimed the lives of 200 people.

Meanwhile, Greece is still negotiating with the rest of the European Union for a bailout.

Who will rescue the EU from its debt woes? Why China of course.

After Facebook filed to go public last week, some Facebook users are seeing all those posts and “likes” as unpaid labor contributing to company’s $4 billion annual revenues.

In Portland last night, the Trail Blazers walloped the Denver Nuggets.

It’s Super Bowl Sunday and that means being green right? Well that’s what the National Football League wants you to think this year. The group has attempted to green the 2012 Super Bowl through a variety of environmental initiatives.But is it green or green-washing?

In other environmental news: natural gas has become the fuel of choice for US utilities. Flammable tap water anyone?

Komen Foundation Backs Down! Here's what thousands of angry emails can do: The Susan G. Komen breast cancer foundation reversed its decision to cut funding to Planned Parenthood! Hooray! Less cancer for everyone!

Backfire: Oh, and BTW, the Komen Foundation's decision to pull funding brought Planned Parenthood a ton of new donations.

Iran vs. Israel: Iran believes Israeli soldiers are killing its nuclear scientists, Israel believes Iran is trying to stage revenge attacks.

Jobs! Jobs! Jobs! The US unemployment rate hits 8.3 percent, the lowest in three years!

Off the Hook: While the federal Security and Exchange Commission has stepped up investigations of Wall Street, they've avoided actually punishing large banks.

On the Other Hand... the Senate just passed an insider trading ban.

I Won't Stand in Their Way: Someone is planning a "cyber attack" on the Oscars.

Hilarious Ron Paul Supporters: Nevada's Ron Paul die hards look exactly like how you'd think they would, giant mustaches, guns, and all.

Roseanne is Running for President? Okay?

Scientists Lost Amid Russian Ice Land: Graham sent this news tip in, since it's a real-life beginning of The Thing.

Photos from the Beat: A RISD-schooled New York City cop has been taking amazing photos on his housing project beat.

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Soccer Riot! 79 Egyptians die in a post-soccer match riot in Cairo.

Syrian Slaughter: One soldier who defected from the Syrian army tells his harrowing tale.

One Step Closer: Washington State's Senate passes gay marriage, the bill is now waiting on a House vote.

Filthy Rich: Pretty much everybody who owns Facebook stock is about to get very rich.

Blacklisted: The US's secretive no-fly list doubled in the past 12 months.

Pro-Women, As Long As they Don't Have Abortions: The Susan G. Komen breast cancer foundation defends its decision to cut grants to Planned Parenthood.

Hooray for Cars! The new federal transportation bill is soooo 20th century.

Hooray for Immigrants! A coalition of Kansas business leaders, of all people, push for more legal immigration paths for workers.

Well Crap: American Airlines is set to cut 13,000 jobs.

Hack Attack: Forget the trashy tabloids, did The Times of London hack phones, too?

Stupid Rodent: Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow.

Science!! Students discover a plastic-eating fungus.

Also: Tater Tots. Why does everyone love them?

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! I can't play my music (They say my music's too loud)—I kept talkin' about it (I got the big run around). LET'S GO TO PRESS.

WORST NEWS EVER: Don Cornelius, the founder and host of the best dance show ever Soul Train, was found shot dead in his Los Angeles home, a victim of apparent suicide. Again, WORST NEWS EVER!

Mittens Romney easily takes Florida, and now moves westward with an eye on President Obama. OOOOOH! We're SOOOOO scared!

Mittens tells CNN that he's "not concerned about the very poor." We hold this truth to be self-evident.

Meanwhile Newt Swingrich vows to continue his fight to the convention, the moon, AND BEYOND!

Swingrich's security team has a novel way of dealing with Ron Paul supporters—stamping on their feet!

A massive snowstorm in Japan dumps 10 feet of snow, killing 52, injuring 600, and crushing a steel bridge.

News that no one (especially women) want to hear: Pfizer recalls 1 million birth control packets after discovering they may contain an inadequate dose. PANIC!!!

The drummer for Journey is arrested in Oregon! This may be the best Oregon celeb yet, easily bypassing that Baldwin who lives in Lake Oswego.

Locally, Oregon Attorney General John Kroger is signing on to a proposed settlement that would monetarily punish banks who committed wrongful foreclosures. OCCUPY OUT OF COURT SETTLEMENTS!

As Sarah noted earlier, democrat Suzanne Bonamici won last night's special election to replace David Wu. (Hope you brought your tiger suit, Suzanne!)

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: AHHH!! What's that glowing orb in the sky?? Get used to a full week of it, with cold mornings and highs in the low 50s.

And finally, I'm super bummed out about the death of Don Cornelius—who did more to introduce me to black culture than anyone else. As a tribute, here's a short video demonstrating exactly why Soul Train was "the hippest trip in America."

24 Hours Till Everyone Shuts Up About the Florida Primary: OH GOD. SO CLOSE. In the meantime, Mittens is still far ahead Newt in the polls, Newt is still being sued for using "Eye of the Tiger" as his theme song, and massive pythons are still the scourge of Florida swamps.

It's Election Day in Oregon! If you happen to live in David Wu's ex-district, in West Portland all the way to Astoria. It is very, very likely that Suzanne Bonamici will triumph over Rob Cornilles tonight but, still, get voting!

Um... Panic? A US intelligence report says Iran is totally willing to attack the US.

Getting Serious: Hillary Clinton is heading to the UN to chime in on plans to pressure Syria's leader to step down, rather than continue slaughtering protesters.

Getting Even: Virginia State Senator Janet Howell was disgusted by a bill that would require ultrasounds for women seeking abortions, so she tacked on a clause requiring rectal exams for men seeking erectile dysfunction prescriptions.

One Trillion Dollars! That's what the deficit will hit this year.

Stephen Colbert's Fake PAC Raised $1 Million: He's pretending to spend the cash on zeppelin rides and unicorns.

Occupy DC Evicted: The protesters vow to remain in their camps despite police requests to move along.

High Stakes Stress Test: The UN testing Japan's nuclear reactors to see if they can withstand another emergency.

Sad Story: The 11-year-old with a gun on the MAX has been placed in state custody.

Cops v. Cameras: A court case in Eugene sets the precedent that police can't review material on cameras without a search warrant.

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! I'm not being too dramatic—that's the way I gotta have it. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Things get even more tense between the U.S. and Egypt as our embassy there takes in two Americans to protect them from potential arrest.

Iraqi officials are PISSED by a small fleet of U.S. drones—supposedly there to protect our embassy. Hey, I thought all the drones worked inside the embassy, amirite, up high?

A day away from the Florida primaries, Mittens holds a slight lead—but all the candidates are already looking ahead to other states.

Speaking of dumbshits, the chairman of the RNC has compared Obama to the captain of the sunken Italian cruise ship. I'm sure the relatives of all those dead people appreciate that.

At least a dozen cars and eighteen wheelers were involved in a massive pileup in Florida over the weekend, in which 10 were killed and 18 were hospitalized.

Today in stories you don't want to read unless you're a masochist—there's this.

Ughh!! Here's another one.

WOW. Four hundred protesters were arrested over the weekend at Occupy Oakland after they trashed city hall—which is one sign that spring is on the way!

Also, could be trouble today in Washington, as Occupy DC is being threatened with eviction from their camp near the White House.

If you've got data stored on Megaupload, you could lose it all by Thursday. OH NOES!! MY NEW GIRL EPISODEZZZ!!!

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Showery on and off until Wednesday morning—but then? HELLOOOOO, SUNSHINE!

And finally, an accident at a Cincinnati construction site may delay a proposed casino there, and… LOOK OUT FOR THAT BUS!!! (The fun starts at the :30 mark, but PLEASE hang around for the rampaging bus driver who gives everybody at this press conference a piece of her mind!)

Occupy Lives! In Portland last night, members of Occupy Portland marched to support Occupy protesters in Oakland. No arrests were reported.

Good news for the Police. On Friday, the Portland police were able to successfully talk a 30-year old man from jumping from the second story ledge of his downtown apartment building. This just days after Portland police shot and killed Bradley Morgan.

Boaters rescued on Willamette. On Saturday, the Albany Fire Department rescued three people in one boat in the morning only to rescue a kayaker later in the evening. The department is now warning boaters not to go out on the Willamette’s dangerously high waters. The kayaker is reported to be in critical condition.

In national news, a man accused of sexual harassment has endorsed a known adulterer. In a move that is sure to appeal to women everywhere, Herman Cain, the one-time Republican presidential frontrunner, who abandoned this campaign after allegations of sexual harassment surfaced, has now endorsed Newt Gingrich, a known adulterer who tried to impeach President Bill Clinton for similar behavior. You can’t make this shit up!

Island Hopping (also in case you missed it). After releasing his tax records last week, it was revealed that Mitt Romney has holdings in the Cayman Islands, raising the question: will Republicans vote for Gingrich, a man who lied to his wife, or Romney, a man who hid money from his country?

And the winner is...

Mitt Romney is beating Newt Gingrich in Florida polls. With just two days before the Florida primary it looks like the filthy rich family man is beating the well-to-do adulterer.

Thanks for keeping it interesting, guys.

Greece will settle its debt for real this time. No, really. And once again the European Central Bank is calling on Greece to cut social spending, which in the past hasn't gone over well with the country’s citizens.

In tech news, Barnes & Noble goes fistycuffs with Amazon over who will lead the e-reader market. Does it bode ill for print that Powell’s Books now advertises e-books on its homepage?

And in energy news, Iran threatens to stop exporting oil to "some countries." I wonder who made the shit list?

In related news, President Obama continues to support alternative energy despite the debacle over the failed solar power company Solyndra.

This makes me wonder.

Will the Cayman Islands still be a tax haven when rising sea levels resulting from climate change force them under water?

When the time comes maybe the Albany Fire Department will be nice enough to rescue Mitt's millions?

Now here's some mildly good news. A burst of economic growth over the past few months means America's GDP is now technically BIGGER than it was before the recession (we apparently measure these kinds of things with a ruler in the bathroom). But even that unexpected growth still falls disappointingly short of expectations, and, of course, no one has a job, so... yeah. Great job, America!

The United Nations Security Council may take up a resolution, backed by Arab governments, that calls for Syria's besieged boss, Bashir Assad, to step down. The most recent explosion of government slaughter in Syria's uprising left behind the bodies of women and small children.

Israel is laying the groundwork for a go-it-alone strike against Iran's nuclear facilities, which, I don't know how often the Iranians have to remind everyone, are strictly used for generating power, not making atom bombs, I mean, come on seriously.

Let's turn to the Brits for the latest updates in the GOP nomination race. The enjoyably irresponsible Daily Mail said Willard Romney ridiculed Newt Gingrich by telling him "I'd fire you." And the respectably fresh Guardian is inexplicably live-blogging the morning after the debate, with news about Romney's polling dominance.

Remember those racist newsletters bearing the mark of libertarian darling Ron Paul? Paul has played down his involvement with them, even though, y'know, his name was on them. But now a handful of his close associates say that, yes, Paul was often aware of every single word before the newsletters went out in the mail.

Apple's new CEO, Not Steve Jobs, emailed his workers a harrumphing response to the NYT's recent no-shit report on how terrible things are for the Chinese workers conscripted to work like inhuman robots to keep the cost of iPads (relatively) low while also keeping Apple's profit margins (insanely) high.

Here's another reason why using Siri all the time may, in fact, make you an asshole: "She" is a total glutton for bandwidth.

Twitter demonstrates its commitment to freedom and all that by rolling out changes that allow it to withhold tweets on a country-by-country basis.

An 11-year-old boy showed a loaded gun last night to a MAX rider who complained he bumped into her kid's stroller. She called 911 and he was taken into custody at the Old Town/Chinatown stop without incident.

THEY HAD ONLY THREE TELEVISION CHANNELS BACK IN THE OLD TIMES. SO THAT PARTLY EXPLAINS ALL THE ENTHUSIASM FOR THIS. ALSO, ONE OF THESE PEOPLE DIED YESTERDAY. AND NOT THE ONE YOU HOPED FOR, NEITHER.

In the paper's cover story this week, reporter Alex Zielinksi goes behind the scenes at the long-awaited youth sex trafficking shelter that has finally opened in Portland.

One piece of the story is that, despite the United States clearly having problems with underage sex trafficking, dedicated youth shelters are very rare. Portland's new shelter is pretty much flying blind, with only one or two model shelters to look to.

And what's interesting about Portland's approach is that, unlike many transition homes that are on 24-hour lockdown, the teens who wind up at the Portland shelter after being picked up as sex trafficking victims will be free to leave whenever they want.

"This isn't an institutional, lockdown facility. I won't be tackling anyone who wants to leave," says shelter director Kevin Donegan. "All I ask for is a conversation before they leave to make sure they're safe."

That's an innovative strategy: trusting teens. How it will actually work out, though, is uncertain. Read the whole piece here.

The Human Cost of iPads: It's high time to learn about who puts together our fancy Apple products.

Egypt Bars NGO Members from Leaving: Several Americans are stuck in Egypt, suspected of influencing protests.

French Breast Implant Scandal: The boss of the company who sold faulty breast implants to thousands of women is arrested.

Today in Scare Tactics and Fear Mongering: An Oklahoma Republican proposes a law to ban "aborted human fetuses in food."

Weed is the New Beer: A ballot measure in Colorado would make marijuana a regulated substance, like alcohol.

Russian Police Can't Handle Doll Protest: Protesters in a Russian town set up Lego men and Teddy bears holding protest signs, but the police can't decide if they should crack down or not.

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Suicidal Man Shot by Police Had "Replica Gun": In an update late yesterday afternoon, police said the man killed in an officer-involved-shooting yesterday was just 21 and had a fake gun.

Hacks: In case you missed the news last night, a damning city study says Portland cabbies work long hours for less than minimum wage.

Multiple Arrests at Portland's Tahrir Square March: Members of Occupy Portland are reporting that there were numerous arrests and citations last night during what started as a peaceful rally in Pioneer Square. I'll post more details on the arrests this morning.

The taxi drivers cited poor working conditions and low wages as the reason for forming their own company, prompting the City of Portland Revenue Bureau—which controls taxi permits—to investigate the drivers’ claims.

Today, at a meeting held by the Revenue Bureau, the results of that investigation were released in a 27-page study:"Taxi Driver Market Study: Long Hours, Low Wages." (pdf)

The document reveals that Portland cab drivers on average work between 6-7 days a week, 12-14 hours per day and make about $6.22 per hour, which is $2 less than Oregon minimum wage. These conditions, while not great, are technically legal because many cabbies are not full employees, but independent contractors.

“It’s not only about 50 cab drivers,” said Kedir Wako, one of the cab drivers that requested the permits. “It’s about all cab drivers in this city.”

Wako, a 40 year-old Ethiopian immigrant, told the Mercury he is familiar with the long working hours and low pay the report revealed. Wako has driven cab in Portland for the past 14 years. But in 2008, Wako said he had enough. That year Wako looked into what it would take to form a union at the cab company he worked for, Broadway Cab.

Continue reading »

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! If ya got beef, then fool, eat a pork chop. Once I get it goin', ya know it don't stop. LET'S GO TO PRESS!

A Portland man is dead after a confusing confrontation between himself and police on top of a parking garage, where shots were fired by the cops and the man fell to his death. [UPDATE: The man was killed by police.] This is going to be the big story of the day (and perhaps week) so stick with Blogtown for the latest updates from the Mercury news team!

American commandos get in a firefight with Somali pirates and rescue two hostage aid workers that have been held captive for months. (All together now...) USA! USA! USA!

Egyptians gather by the thousands to celebrate the anniversary of the first protests that eventually led to the ouster of Hosni Mubarek.

Obama doesn't mention Mitten Romney by name, but spent much of his State of the Union address addressing the inequality of wealth that makes the rich (Mittens) richer and the poor (most of everybody else) poorer.

As it stands now, Mittens and Newt Swingrich are in a dead heat in Florida, with the philandering racist expected to win.

A University of Wisconsin senior associate athletic director has resigned after sticking his hand down a male student's pants in a failed attempt to grab his genitalia. What is it with you sport types??

The captain of the sunken cruise ship Costa Concordia admits that maybe running into a bunch of rocks was a "mistake."

Hat tips to Blogtown consulting detective and Kardashian family expert Graham for sending in this hilarious story that suggests Khloe Kardashian's real father might be her mom's hairdresser!

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Showers tonight and into tomorrow morning, and then a dry weekend ahead!

And finally, here's a cat watching you have sex. (Yes, the cat is sick... but you're sick for letting it continue.)

Taxing Race: Mittens Romney releases his tax return—looks like he doesn't pay 15 percent in taxes, but 13.9 percent. Also, he's got money in Bermuda! Reporter field trip!

Mitt the Bounty Hunter: Now Romney is offering a $1.5 million award for details on Newt's contract with Freddie Mac.

The "Dark Side" of Islam: Over 1,400 New York City police officers were shown a crazy Islamaphobic training video that said, for exapmple, that Islamic people were trying to take over the White House.

Meanwhile... The FBI is investigating a Connecticut police force for rampant racial profiling.

The Forbidden Beard: Disneyland relaxes its archaic dress code rules for employees by a hair. Literally, Magic Kingdom workers can now have beards!

WikiLeaksTV: Julian Assange is starting a talk show!

Leaks 2.0: A former CIA agent who wrote a book called The Reluctant Spy is now charged with leaking classified info to journalists.

JFK's Secret Tapes: The late president's library releases another 45 hours of JFK's secret tapes.

Solar Storm!! Apparently we're undergoing the worst solar storm in six years—radiation for all!

And the Award Goes to... The Oscar nominations are out, if anyone cares.

Occupy Igloo! Protesters of the Global Economic Forum in Switzerland are building awesome igloos for their camp out.

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! You wanna piece of my heart? You gotta start from the start. You wanna be in the show? C'mon baby... LET'S GO! TO PRESS!

In case you missed it, as Nathan reported yesterday in GMN, Newt Swingrich won the South Carolina primary, and today Mittens Romney is warning America that if Newt gets the GOP nod, you can expect an "October Surprise!" (Is that code for a sudden squirt of Santorum?)

And sorry, weird college kids... Ron Paul came in dead last.

As Denis reported yesterday, shooting victim Rep. Gabrielle Giffords has decided to step down from Congress, choosing to put her recovery first.

Two reported deaths in Alabama this morning, as vicious storms tear through the southeast.

Kentucky Republican and senator Rand Paul refuses a pat down from the TSA, and was turned away by airport officials. TERRORIST!!!

The Supreme Court sez that the cops CANNOT track you using GPS—though they refuse to rule on whether your ex-girlfriend can.

A nine-year-old girl escapes after tricking the dumbest kidnapper in the world. That's not to minimize her heroism... but Jesus! This guy was DUMB!

From the Oregonian: "A state liquor inspector has resigned after allegations that he had sex with his wife and with a girlfriend in an office in the Hillsboro Police Department's East Precinct. He also was accused of using a state account to buy gas for his personal car." Umm... of course he bought gas! How's he supposed to get his wife and girlfriend to the office??

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Sun will peek out today, but get ready for more heavy rain tomorrow and Wednesday!

And finally, Aerosmith frontman and American Idol judge Steven Tyler kind of slaughters the National Anthem at the beginning of yesterday's AFC Championship football game. (I just think he sounds like Steven Tyler—I mean, what did they expect? But the reactions of the players and coaches are priceless!)

Almost a year after she was shot, almost fatally, outside an Arizona supermarket, Representative Gabby Giffords announced today that she's leaving Congress this week to focus on her continuing (and amazing) recovery. I dare you to watch the video her staff posted today and not feel something stir in that cold, dark heart of yours.

Newt Gingrich won last night’s South Carolina primary, adding yet another surprise to the funhouse ride that will determine whom the Republicans will pit against President Obama.

So now the circus heads to Florida, and it's all so much uglier for Romney, who also learned this weekend that maybe he didn't actually win/tie in Iowa. And, now, well, the very excellently wealthy candidate is finally going to release his tax returns. On Tuesday. (Which sounds familiar.)

And, hey, if the carnival-like atmosphere of the Republican debates isn’t enough for you, that congregation of very flexible people in colored spandex known as Cirque Du Soleil will be coming to town.

Rain, rain, go away! The previous week’s heavy rains and snow are still causing sporadic flooding around the state—and there's more to come.

Speaking of flooding, activist group MoveOn.org has been deluging the Obama administration with petitions in the hopes that the pesident will open a full investigation into the role major banks played in the housing crisis that kickstarted the current recession.

Joe Paterno is dead? No he isn't. Stupid internet. Wait! No, seriously, Joe Paterno is dead. The college sports icon lived long enough to ensure that every single one of his obituaries contains the words "sex-abuse scandal."

“Those jobs aren’t coming back.” That was Steve Jobs' answer when Barack Obama asked what it would take to produce iPhones (or any similar gadget) in the United States. Seriously, why would Apple pay a living wage to obese, entitled American hillbillies who demand consecutive weekend days off and eight-hour workdays when, instead, Apple can wake up 8,000 Chinese workers living in a dormitory, at midnight, and march them out on zero-notice 12-hour shifts to assemble those very same consumer electronics?

"We have developed a new upper class with advanced educations, often obtained at elite schools, sharing tastes and preferences that set them apart from mainstream America. At the same time, we have developed a new lower class, characterized not by poverty but by withdrawal from America's core cultural institutions."

You know how Pakistan complains about all those drone strikes by the U.S. military? That's a fair amount of theater. Secretly, it's soldiers have been cooperating with the program.

A bull with its horns set ablaze fatally gored a man in Spain.

Twenty-first century Homo sapiens arer getting a glimpse of the world they're leaving behind. The NASA Earth Observatory has completed a six-year project that provides the best-ever snapshot of today’s existing forests. So as deforestation continues apace in the coming decades, we'll be able to look back some day and know for certain just how bad things have gotten.

• Image from NASA.
• NASA visualization of forest cover in U.S.