This Week in the Mercury
News Archives
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
News Good Morning, News!
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Jan 7 at 9:05 AM
Israel stops bombing Gaza to deliver humanitarian aid! Wait… this just in… they're bombing again.
After a secret backroom meeting, suddenly Democrats are more than happy to welcome the tainted Roland Burris into the Senate. And Obama had something to do with it?!?
In 2009, the federal deficit is expected to hit (gulp) $1.2 TRILLION.
New suspicions are being raised about the death of John Travolta's son Jett. Let the internet conspiracies begin!
Hustler publisher Larry Flynt is suing his nephews for putting their family name on inferior porn. (What? Did they forget to bleach the buttholes? Sorry about that.)
A soldier is killed in a bar fight because he played Jimmy Buffett's "Margaritaville" on the jukebox. An overreaction? Watch this video before you make up your mind.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
News / City Hall / Politics Blackmer Resigns As City Auditor
Posted by Matt Davis on Tue, Jan 6 at 1:11 PM
The Tribune has the scoop. I thought he looked despicably sheepish as I nodded hello to him on the way downstairs at City Hall two hours ago...
Good luck in the future, Gary.
News / Portland Cross-Cultural Adoption Crusader Continues
Posted by Matt Davis on Tue, Jan 6 at 12:52 PM
Carollynn Smith, the 60-year-old North Portland grandmother fighting the Department for Human Services for custody of her two youngest grandchildren, is leading a meeting to discuss cross-cultural adoption at 126 NE Mallory on Monday, January 12th, at 6:30pm.
"We're calling all grandparents in to hear their stories about how their grandchildren have been taken away by the Department of Human Services, and how we can take on the DHS," she says.
News Good Morning, News!!!
Posted by Matt Davis on Tue, Jan 6 at 9:12 AM
THE ROSE CITY MESSIAH!!! As Sam Adams takes office, Portland's media appears to be pondering the difficult dilemma of whether to spit, or swallow. This week's Mercury is out on Thursday, in case you're curious which way we go.
NEW CIA BOSS!!! And he's a "surprising" choice, according to the New York Times.
MADOFF SAGA!!! And to mark the blissfully un-self-aware occasion, the former editor of Self magazine writes about losing her life savings to Bernie Madoff for The Daily Beast. Today, she is forced to eat, gasp, Popeye's Chicken. Meanwhile, ABC reports there's a bid to revoke his bail.
BUSH THE CONSERVATIONIST!!! He may be destroying the planet, but at least three huge swaths of the Pacific will be named after the old bastard.
ELECTRIC SHOCKS!!! Former Guantanamo detainee speaks out about his treatment, plans to sue the United States.
POLANSKI WANTS VENUE CHANGE!!! Claims, through his attorneys, that the entire LA judicial system is biased against his motion to dismiss underage sex charges filed against him 30 years ago.
NYT ADS COST $75,000!!! And yet they re-mortgaged their new offices recently? A change of management is in order, methinks...
KIDS AGED SIX AND SEVEN ELOPE!!! Bless their cotton socks.
Good day.
Monday, January 5, 2009
News / City Hall / Politics Songs, Flowers, and Even A Prayer: Mayor-elect Adams Becomes Mayor Adams
Posted by Matt Davis on Mon, Jan 5 at 1:43 PM
Well, it's official. Mayor Sam Adams took his oath of office with Judge Kerr Maurer, just after noon today at Parkrose High School and Community Center:
Read more about it, after the jump.
Continue reading "Songs, Flowers, and Even A Prayer: Mayor-elect Adams Becomes Mayor Adams" »
News / Cops / Media Cops' Spokesman Brian Schmautz Retiring
Posted by Matt Davis on Mon, Jan 5 at 11:12 AM
From the horse's mouth:
Morning everybody, last Wednesday I notified the Police Bureau that I would be retiring on January 30th. We are posting my job today and Chief Sizer is beginning the process of selecting my replacement. I believe Chief Sizer hopes to select the person and have them in the office during the week of January 19th, so we can begin the transition.While I will not get to choose my replacement I have told Chief Sizer that the person must by grumpy, willing to laugh at you to your face instead of behind your back, in a twelve step program for something or willing to join one after they have the pager for a few months, and concerned about the carbon footprint of the media. I will bring my replacement around for the official meet and greet as soon as they get here.
Schmautz has accepted a job with Clackamas County, as an investigator for the District Attorney's office there, coordinating crime scenes. Good luck to him. And let's hope the next PIO is as fun to annoy as Schmautz was.
City Hall / News / Politics "My name is Sam Adams, and I'm here to recruit you."
Posted by Matt Davis on Mon, Jan 5 at 10:59 AM
Steady on, mayor, it's early days. Maybe when I've been covering you for a year, we can have that kind of conversation...
Yes. He may have been paraphrasing one of his heroes, Harvey Milk, but Portland's new mayor sure chose an interesting quote to end his inauguration day breakfast at the Curious Comedy Club on MLK this morning...read all about it after the jump.
Continue reading ""My name is Sam Adams, and I'm here to recruit you."" »
News Good Morning, News!
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Jan 5 at 9:23 AM
Israel says, "Screw YOU, peace efforts!" as the invasion into Gaza continues.
Turns out that Apple's Steve Jobs is NOT dying, but merely suffering from a "hormone imbalance"— a rather common malady among 13-year-old nerds.
Obama is back from vacation and pushing for a $500 individual tax break for the middle class. Flat screen TV? Here I come! (Expect a not entirely optimistic Obama speech on the economy Thursday.)
An autopsy will be performed on John Travolta's 16-year-old son who died suddenly over the weekend.
Tom Cruise claims that Scientology helped him overcome dyslexia. (Actually, the church just purchased an entire new library for Tom in which all the words are printed backwards.)
Things are not looking good for Minnesota Republican Norm Coleman; the Supreme Court has denied his request to count rejected absentee ballots, and challenger Al Franken leads by 225 votes.
Besides, Norm Coleman never had a chance. For proof, check out this clip from the '80s show Solid Gold in which Al Franken performs a fairly dead-on and hilarious impersonation of Mick Jagger.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
News / City Hall / Election 2008 Fritz Gets Sworn In: "Hope" Mentioned, Two Standing Ovations, Six Kinds of Lemon Bars
Posted by Matt Davis on Sat, Jan 3 at 10:55 PM
City Commissioner Amanda Fritz is now, officially, City Commissioner Amanda Fritz, having been sworn in at a very patriotic ceremony in SW Portland this afternoon. And good luck to her:
You can read all about it after the jump.
Friday, January 2, 2009
News / Cops / Courts / Crime The Cost Of Public Disclosure: $3773.40
Posted by Matt Davis on Fri, Jan 2 at 4:48 PM
Just before Xmas we ran a newslede about attorneys' efforts to gain access to the contents of 20 cardboard boxes containing information about the city's secret list program:
Arguments are yet to go before a judge, but attorney Spencer Hahn lodged a public records request with the Portland Police Bureau to get a look at the boxes, and guess how much they told him it would cost? Oh, that's right, I stuck it in the title. Here's Christopher Paille from the cops' records division:
The estimated fee to process your request is approximately $3773.40. The estimated amount of time needed to review and redact the materials in one box is 3 hours. The estimated time it will take to review 20 boxes is 60 hours. The hourly review rate is $62.89. Please provide a deposit in the amount of $3773.40. If the actual fee to process your request is less than this amount, we will return your deposit and request payment of the lesser fee at the time of production.
The cops are saying they need to review all the information in the boxes to "redact" any information protected under public records law. There is, however, an exception to the requirement to pay for production of information, under Oregon law, and that's when a journalist asks for it, making a compelling argument that the information is in the public interest. Well, consider it done, guys. Those boxes contain information that the public has a right to know, and an interest in knowing. That's why we've been asking about the program since April.
News / City Hall / Media / Politics All Change At City Hall
Posted by Matt Davis on Fri, Jan 2 at 1:54 PM
Well, this is a turn up for the books: The night before a boy goes on vacation, his boss resigns to take a job with the mayor. Now I'm back in Portland, and Amy Ruiz isn't here to watchdog city hall any more, I thought I'd take a trip down there myself this morning to see if there were any jobs going what was going on. Things are certainly different, now. 
As local blogger Jack Bogdanski noted the other day, the departure of Ruiz, and of another local columnist from another local newspaper, and of yet another local reporter from another local newspaper, might suggest there's a sense, if not that "nobody's watching," certainly, that those who used to be watching have found themselves doing other things in the new year. Like earning. Money. From the people they used to watch. But how much, exactly? Well, there's no word, as yet, from Sam Adams' new communications chief Wade Nkrumah as to how much exactly Ruiz is earning, and it's not to be found on the city's website, either...but it appears at least that she's doing alright for cupcakes on day one:
Good luck, Amy!
Adams' staff, Ruiz included, spent this morning touring the building, introducing themselves to the four other city commissioners and their staff. I stopped in on Amanda Fritz's office—where Adams' office used to be, and found five staffers unpacking boxes. Randy Leonard was nowhere to be found, while Dan Saltzman's office had the usual sense of anarchy one has come to expect from the new police commissioner: Staffers all whacked out on drugs, The Wipers' Over The Edge playing at full volume from a rusty needle, rusty needles, you get the idea.
Kidding. Saltzman's office was dull, and he was out at a meeting. Although I was pleased to see Tom Potter's former public advocate, Jeremy Van Keuren, filling a chair down there to help Saltzman with some of the transitioning of the police bureau responsibilities. He's always been a pleasure to work with. I mean for. I mean, with. With.
Nick Fish told me there's no "secret sauna" in the basement of city hall where all the decisions really get made, although I've got to be honest, it felt like he was protesting a little too much...
And that was it for my first morning as city hall watchdog. Woof. Woof. Let's do the tally:
JOBS ACCEPTED: None.
SAUNAS ENTERED INTO WITH COMMISSIONERS TO DISCUSS HOW THEY REALLY VOTE: Less than one.
COMMISSIONERS CAUGHT IN FLAGRANTI DELICTO WITH UNDERAGE LOVERS: Zero.
BUNGS TAKEN: Nada. Honest. Seriously. Trust me.
But it's early days.
Coming up: Amanda Fritz's inauguration, tomorrow, 6pm (gathering starts at 5:45pm), Multnomah Center, 7688 SW Capitol Highway. There's a rumor about "lemon bars" being available. Then, on Monday, it's Mayor Sam Adams' official swearing-in ceremony, at noon, Parkrose High School, 12003 NE Shaver St. There's also a party at city hall Monday from 5-7pm Monday, to celebrate Adams' inauguration, and guess what? You're invited!
News Good Morning, News!!
Posted by Matt Davis on Fri, Jan 2 at 10:27 AM
ISRAEL RECONSIDERS CEASEFIRE!!! Now that it's busted the crap out of Gaza, that is...
AFGHANISTAN FOR SALE!!! Nearly everything can be bought there, for a price, according to a new investigative report by the New York Times.
WACKO JACKO IS PUT IN THE SHADE!!! Hold on...isn't he, like, dead?
WINDING DOWN AT BUSH RANCH!!! George leaves Crawford for his last time as President.
OBAMA GETS TO WORK!!! Can't we just inaugurate the dude already?
REPUBLICANS FLEE D.C!!! They've got better places to be...
CITIGROUP FREEZES EXPENSE ACCOUNTS!!! The government bailout comes with strings attached, thank goodness.
DARK KNIGHT TAKES $1BN!!! Making it the biggest grossing movie of 2008.
Good day.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
News Good Morning, News!
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Dec 31 at 9:15 AM
After considering a truce, Israel decides to keep bombing the shit out of Hamas for awhile. But don't get them wrong! They're totally open to not bombing the shit out of them at some point in the future.
Senate democratic leadership have three words for Gov. Rod Blagojevich's appointment of Roland Burris: OH, HELL NO!
And as for Roland Burris, while he thinks the governor's behavior is "reprehensible" there's no taint on him! (Heh. He said "taint.")
Comedian (?) Dane Cook's half-brother is charged with embezzling millions from the entertainer (?).
Every Zune 30 media player in the world froze up last night and refuses to work. The terrorists have struck again!!
An 88-year-old Troutdale woman fends off a naked attacker by squeezing his testicles. And not in a sexy way, either! (Please stay with this story, just to hear the suspect's name!)
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
News Good Morning, News!
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Dec 30 at 9:09 AM
Gov. Rod Blagojevich is expected to name former Illinois attorney general Roland Burris to fill Obama's senate seat. See, Burris was smart to wait until after Christmas, when everything is cheaper.
In the Minnesota senate race, Al Franken is ahead of Republican Norm Coleman by a whopping 50 votes… for now. Maybe we don't really need a Minnesota senator?
Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol has her baby; Bristol's Oxycontin dealing future mother-in-law couldn't be happier!
RNC chairman wannabe Chip Saltsman's "Barack the Magic Negro" controversy is not a big deal… to other racists.
On the two year anniversary of Saddam Hussein's death, Iraq prepares to open up a museum—filled with bloody nooses, torture devices and documentation of atrocities. But wait until you see the gift shop!
Hey proponents of the Columbia River Crossing project! READ THIS.
Smoke 'em if you've got 'em! The smoking ban starts at midnight tomorrow night! Here's how it affected Chicago who instituted their ban a year ago.
Israel launches airstrikes at Gaza for the fourth day straight as millions worldwide wonder, "Wait… why are these guys so mad at each other?" If you feel as dumb about this situation as I do, here's a very good primer of the situation courtesy of The Rachel Maddow Show.
Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy
Monday, December 29, 2008
News / Artsy 2008 in Pictures.
Posted by Erik Henriksen on Mon, Dec 29 at 3:49 PM
The New York Times has collected 160 photos summing up 2008, and all of them are worth a look. Here.
News Good Morning, News!
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Dec 29 at 8:30 AM
Israeli airstrikes rain down on Gaza for the third day; Barack Obama inherits yet another international crisis as a belated Christmas present.
Despite basement low approval ratings, Condoleeza Rice claims people will one day thank George Bush. Why wait? George Bush, thanks so much… for ruining our f-bombing lives.
"The men's room at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport where Republican Sen. Larry Craig was arrested in a sex sting is losing it appeal as a tourist stop, an official said." First Mt. Rushmore… now this?!
The newest idea for filling Obama's senate seat? Allowing the Illinois House and Senate to decide. Gov. Rod Blagojevich has his own idea: "Fuuuuuuck Yooooooooou!"
According to a new poll, sexual abstinence pledges are ineffective… but they are good for making Christian parents shut up momentarily.
A Russian professor predicts America will fall apart by 2010. Well, professor, when we collapse and stop sending you Jessica Alba bikini pictures, we hope you'll be happy.
And finally, here's a Blogtown Public Service Announcement: Did you water your Christmas tree? If not, this is what will surely happen. (BTW, could someone put the Benny Hill theme song on this?)
Friday, December 26, 2008
News Good Morning, News!
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, Dec 26 at 10:00 AM
75% of those polled say they're "glad Bush is done." See? His ratings are improving!
Fearing a ground invasion from India, Pakistan moves its troops to the border. Just keep those fingers off the button!
In order to gain more cooperation, the CIA is giving Afghani warlords VIAGRA. Sounds like an insult to me… on the other hand, I would be more cooperative with the U.S. government if they gave me Viagra, too.
A day after shooting up a Christmas party, a pipe bomb explodes in the rental car of the Santa Shooter. WTF?! This guy was the worst Santa EVER!
RNC candidate Chip Saltsman distributes a CD with the song "Barack the Magic Negro." Saltsman calls it "a light-hearted political parody." I'm pretty sure most African Americans might think otherwise.
Americans now get more of their news from the internet than newspapers. HA! HA! HAAAA!! Wait. I own a newspaper.
Ben Stiller breaks wrist snowboarding. HA! HA! HAAAA!! Wait. I like Ben Stiller.
Dog shoplifts bone from grocery store—and no, it wasn't Winona Ryder. HA! HA! HAAAA!! I don't like Winona Ryder.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Cats / Film / Music / News / SEX RIP Eartha Kitt
Posted by Ned Lannamann on Thu, Dec 25 at 9:17 PM
I never met Eartha Kitt, but I cleaned her swimming pool once (summer job). From her back yard, I could smell her perfume wafting from inside the house. I ended up putting too much chlorine in her hot tub, but I have a feeling that her shield of perfume could knock out any industrial strength dose of chemical I may have laid on her. Sorry, Eartha! And rest in peace.
Merry Christmas, and mrrrrow!
News Merry Christmas, News!
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Thu, Dec 25 at 9:29 AM
Santy Claus came! Santy Claus came! And lookit what I got! This, this… and THIS! Thanks, Santy!
"Pope decries selfishness in face of economic crisis." Says the guy sitting in a golden palace. CRAM IT, POPE.
"Three dead at a party when man in Santa suit opens fire." OH COME THE FUCK ON!
Playwright Harold Pinter dies. OH COME THE FUCK ON!
"Blog miracle saves Christmas." Oh, never mind. Not our blog.
And finally, here is my Christmas gift to you: Henrietta and Myrna sing "Go Tell it On the Mountain." Don't thank me. SERIOUSLY. DON'T THANK ME.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
News Good Morning, News!
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Dec 24 at 8:34 AM
Wait… MORE SNOW?! On the upside, Santa reports he will still deliver toys tonight—that is, if Les Schwab still has any chains in stock.
# MAX Blue Line: Blue Line trains are running every 15 minutes along the entire alignment from Hatfield Government Station to Cleveland Ave Station.
# MAX Red Line: Red Line trains are running between Gateway Transit Center and the airport. To get to the airport, you can catch any Blue Line train and transfer to the Red Line at Gateway. Traveling from the airport, transfer to a Blue Line train at Gateway.
# MAX Yellow Line: Yellow Line trains are not running at this time, but shuttle buses are serving all stations on the Yellow Line between Rose Quarter and the Expo Center every 15 minutes. Riders traveling to the Yellow Line can board any Blue Line train and transfer to a shuttle bus at Rose Quarter.
# Buses: Bus service is limited due to weather conditions. Some lines have been canceled and others are running on snow routes, but buses are arriving every 15 minutes on most lines. Check the Service Alerts page for details about your bus line, or view a map of today's service.
Two people are in critical condition after de-icing fumes were sucked into an Alaska Airlines jet at Sea-Tac airport. Still rushing to get on that plane?
President-elect Obama's internal review discovers that only Rahm Emanuel carried on conversations with Gov. Blagojevich— and only to share his own variations on the word "fuck," such as "fuck-a-doodle-doo."
America's recession deepens with unemployment claims reaching a 26-year high. Ho, ho, ho?
And if the snow starts to get you down, just remember there are things in this world that makes everything right again… such as RUN DMC's 1987 "Christmas in Hollis." Happy holidays, one and all!
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
News Good Morning, News!!
Posted by Matt Davis on Tue, Dec 23 at 6:42 AM
OBAMA VACATION!!! His hotness plays golf, and orders: "two hot dogs, two spam musubi, two passion orange sodas, one Powerade and one coke, for a tab of $17.75.” (Musubi is sushi made with Spam, apparently). But hold it. Stop the press:
DRUG REHAB OR REVOLVING DOOR??? That's right, kids. Portland made the New York Times again!
POPE BASHES GAYS!!! Says homosexuality is a "destruction of God's work."
OBAMA SMART TO PICK WARREN!!! I mean, you gotta reduce attendance at the inauguration somehow...
NYT RUNS FAKE FRENCH LETTER!!! (In England, "French Letter" is slang for "condom." I have no idea why).
THIS ISH YOUR PILOT SHPEAKING!!! Drunk Pilot arrested at London's Heathrow.
STRANDED AT THE AIRPORT!!! Thousands stuck thanks to Artageddon '08. Although not this reporter, who is eight minutes from boarding his plane to Newark. On time.
Good day.
Monday, December 22, 2008
News City Seeks Donations For Homeless
Posted by Matt Davis on Mon, Dec 22 at 8:03 PM
From City Commissioner Nick Fish:
CITY URGES COMMUNITY DONATIONS FOR HOMELESSWarming centers and shelters are open for people in our region who are experiencing homelessness. Weather conditions have been severe for the last eight nights and are expected to last through the end of this week.
Warming centers are in dire need of donated cold weather gear for those living on the streets. While city officials are not encouraging people to drive on the treacherous roads in this weather, donations or financial contributions are strongly encouraged. Centers are experiencing a shortage of the following items:
* Blankets
* Socks
* Coats
* Tarps
* GlovesBlankets and socks are most needed.
Please take donations to Transition Projects Glisan Shelter (435 NW Glisan - drop-off 24-hrs), JOIN (3338 SE 17th Ave - drop-off only between 9AM and 5PM, closing at 3PM on Christmas Eve) or the Union Gospel Mission (15 NW 3rd Ave - drop-off between 9AM and 9PM).
Financial donations are also encouraged. Please give online at www.oregonredcross.org.
You know what to do! Incidentally, I love how they say "While city officials are not encouraging people to drive on the treacherous roads in this weather..." before basically encouraging you to do just that. Now: Get your blankets in the damned car already.
News / Cops Cops Taser Naked Woman
Posted by Matt Davis on Mon, Dec 22 at 8:02 PM
In Panama City. Which, once again, calls for judicious use of Mark Searcy's Tasergate illo:
Send your Taser stories to: news@portlandmercury.com.
News Being Annoying Now Illegal In Brighton
Posted by Matt Davis on Mon, Dec 22 at 8:01 PM
Since when did being annoying become a crime? Since Brighton City Council approved a public conduct code Monday night, which includes fining someone up to $500 for being annoying.
I give it three weeks before someone from the Portland Business Alliance is on the plane down there with a notepad and paper.
News / Politics Mayor Potter Calls A Snow Day
Posted by Matt Davis on Mon, Dec 22 at 1:28 PM
"Due to worsening weather conditions and Tri-Met's reduction in transit service, all City offices are closed effective immediately. All non-essential employees are released from work. All employees who reported to work today will be paid for their entire work day. Employees who did not come to work today must follow the City's inclement weather policy and use accrued leave to cover their absence."
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